When I was a teenager from about the age of 15 most likely into my late twenties I was angry. I didn’t like my life. I didn’t like the cards that life had dealt me. I had the biggest chip you could imagine on not one shoulder, but both of them. Looking back, it’s rather sad that I wasted all that energy being upset with everything and everybody in my life.
It would be a normal occurrence for me to be in another fight or altercation. Looking back it was madness. I wouldn’t even contemplate such actions today. Does that mean I have finally grown up, that I’ve found happiness and contentment? Well I think that definitely has a bearing on it.
I have often wondered if the reason I was this way was because I didn’t have a father in my life, a guiding role, a male figure to guide me down the right path of life. Of course I will never know if that would have made a difference, because was it simply in my DNA to be someone that had an incredible dissatisfaction of my life.
Growing up my father was a raging alcoholic. At least until I was eight years old when he left. My mother was a manic depressive. What a formula that is to have as parents. My question to myself is, did I inherit these conditions or did I learn by watching? I’m guessing I inherited both because through my life I’ve suffered from both.
When I had problems with my first marriage, and an element of financial issues, I suffered from both of these. I remember quite clearly getting very depressed about my current situation which was about 15 years ago.
Looking back there was no help other than your doctor to see. Of course the world has moved on and nowadays there is so much help online if I could of received some relationship counselling it might of worked out differently.
I visited my doctor and I was put on anti-depressants. Yes, they helped to a certain extent, but they don’t solve the issues in your life which in my case was my first marriage going bad and the stress of money problems.
So I decided without actually realising that alcohol could take away the problem, which of course it does, but to my surprise, yes surprise, it’s very temporary, but I thought it would be a good idea to stay permanently drunk which I did for quite some time. What I didn’t see coming was how alcohol can begin to control your life.
Was I turning into my father?
I did eventully realise that I needed to stop and I also needed to stop the anti-depressants. Easier said than done.
What you need is motivation and I had at the time three children, and they were my motivation. I stopped drinking and have never drunk alcohol since. That’s about 14 years ago. I can honestly say I don’t miss it one bit.
I also gradually weaned myself off anti-depressants. It took some months, but I stopped and have never used them since. The reasons this all worked was because I met the love of my life, my wife now. I was in a happy place and still am.
Depression is a very strange condition and if I inherited it from my mother that surely means it’s part of my DNA. There are times even today that I feel that depression, and if you’re not careful it can take over. On occasions, although I admit rare occasions, a dark cloud appears above for no rhyme or reason and my mood changes. It might only last a few minutes or possibly hours.
In fact just a couple of days ago I woke up in a mood that I couldn’t explain. The dark cloud was hovering above and it left me in a strange and down mood all day and there was simply no explanation to it.
Unfortunately it took all day and longer to go, and those closest to me suffered because of it, and that is in truth unforgivable.
Even though that I am in the happiest place that I have ever been in my life. My question to myself is, have I inherited depression and if I’m not fully aware can it creep up on me without warning, which ultimately worries me.
Have you suffered from depression? Do you feel it ever goes away? Or is it waiting in the shadows to rear its head?