How I Was Shown No Compassion 

With Father’s Day just yesterday it reminded of a sad moment in my life that I think I have lived to regret.

In November 2015 I wrote a post called Do I See My Father Before He Dies? I poured my heart and soul out on that post. I wrote it within days of him passing away, I have to point out that I saw him the day he died after being estranged from him for about 15 years so the shock of seeing him in a coma like state was hard to bear.

My father and I had no relationship to speak of, but he was my biological father and that is a bond that is strangely very strong, even if you have no daily relationship or in my case, zero relationship.
About a week ago I was working at a maisonette where I happened to be working at the same time that I was working when I saw my father before he died, but there is a part of the story that I never told at the time which happened after he died. It concerned my father’s wife and how she showed a total lack of compassion towards me and how hurtful she was to me.

Although I had been given the opportunity to see my biological father before he died, which in truth only happened because pressure was applied to his wife from family members. The truth is I didn’t even know he was that close to death because apparently she had told everybody I was not to be told. Looking back now, how evil is that? What happened next, after my father died, proved to me that there truly are evil, nasty people in the world. That may sound harsh, but it’s true and I will explain why.

Yes, I was given the chance to see my father before he died, but what happened a day or so later I still look back on with utter disbelief. I never realised that people could  be so totally devoid of any compassion. Also lacking the courage to tell me to my face.

A family member phoned me to say that it would not be a good idea for me attend my father’s funeral. I’m not sure exactly what his relationship was to me I think it may be step brother-in-law, but my fathers wife had refused to talk to me, (yes we have a history, whole different blog post.) I did have a little bit of sympathy for him because he was stuck in the middle.

So after the phone call finished, I stood in disbelief that if I attended my biological fathers funeral I would not be welcome. I know that obviously I could have gone and nobody could stop me from paying my respects, but I didn’t need the pain and grief that could easily be put upon me and then being asked to leave.

I decided after a couple of days of very intense thinking that I was not going to pay my last respects to my father. A couple of years on I kind of regret that I didn’t go. I didn’t find the courage to say no I’m Going, I have every right to be there, but I bottled it.

I only hope that I have never treated or treat people with a total lack of compassion, like the way that I was treated during this time. The world truly has some people that are simply not nice and I have met one.

As I have written many times before, my relationship with my father was messed up and actually broken when I was a small child, and it never really mended, but he was still father and I was denied the right to say my last goodbye.

A point that was made to me, by this particular family member though was that they would contact me a few weeks after the funeral to show me where my father was buried. Needless to say I never heard a word. People actually don’t care.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

One Messy Mama

12 thoughts on “How I Was Shown No Compassion 

  1. Sorry you had to go through that fella. I don’t think you bottled it.. It comes across that you didn’t go for the sake of keeping the peace for the other parties, yourself and most importantly, your dad.

    Fair enough, your relationship with your dad was strained to say the least but it seems that you’re putting a lot of the load on your shoulders when it would appear that you’re letting your selfless act of keeping the peace punch you in the gut.

    The most important thing is that you saw him before it was too late. They can’t take that away from you.

    Don’t beat yourself up too much fella.. The fact that you can see the lack of compassion for what it is makes you wiser than those involved.

    Happy belated fathers day mate.

  2. I am so sorry, that is truly heinous that you were treated that way! My mom’s family is full of broken relationships past-mending and I always feel bad when she has to say goodbye to someone and only half her relatives come and the other half stay away because they were told to. Thankfully she married dad, whose family grabbed her and made her welcome. #GlobalBlogging

  3. Oh Nige, that is just awful. What gives her the right to say that? I feel really sad and angry for you. Thanks for sharing this very honest and thought provoking post with #GlobalBlogging

  4. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s really sad that side of your family couldn’t let go of their animosity long enough to let you be there.

    It sounds like you’d already said your goodbyes to your dad when he was dying. Then you did what you thought was right – keeping the peace and not allowing your dad’s funeral to be turned into a drama. It strikes me there wasn’t a “right” thing to do, just a collection of bad choices.

  5. Oh that is truly heartbreaking! A lot happened in our family too when my father died 10 years ago. It will always taint that time for me and I expect you feel the same way. The way I look at it is this….your Dad is gone and you got to speak to him beforehand. That’s brilliant. Look to the positive and remember the good things about your Dad. It’s the only way. Part of the grieving process is anger so perhaps that is why you feel so strongly about this. You have every right but you cant change the past and for that reason only, I suggest you enjoy your memories and don’t dwell on it. Whatever reasons your stepmum had for asking you not to come are HER choices and she will have to live with them. We can only live in the present and look forwards to the future. The past is gone. Good luck. #globalblogging

  6. Hey! Ok. You started by saying you think you have lived to regret that moment. I’m understanding you to mean not going on to your fathers funeral, even though you were asked not to go.
    First, I need to tell you that no matter what happened in your family-between you & your dad-you & his wife-etc-that it unacceptable & disgusting for them to ask you to stay away from his funeral. Poor taste & tacky doesn’t begin to cover that kind of dysfunctional behavior.
    As for you-I’m thinking that you did the right thing staying away from his services. Unlike your dad’s wife, you acted like a grown up and stayed away from drama & kept the peace (out of respect) by staying home.
    Now, Father’s Day brought up these emotions for you & that’s completely normal. So, let’s break it down.
    All you missed was a ceremony…you already said goodbye. (And you can still pray about the situation from where you are right now:)) If you want to take flowers & honor his grave, and I understand that, see if the place that held his funeral still has that info. This way you can go around the drama & get to your dad.
    Keep in mind that you’re a dad first (not a son). I’ve had a strained relationship with my mother for years & years. I have to remind myself sometimes:))
    Hope this helps!

  7. It’s difficult to believe that people are truly evil. I think it’s easier to comprehend that someone can become so caught up in the moment or have heard a story so many times that they believe it to be true and advocate it with impunity.

    When your paths cross with someone who seemingly has lived on another planet to the rest of the human race, it can stir an emotional response that you yourself might not have imagined yourself possible.

    I think it’s that response that we are angry with, the fact that ignorance can spark anger.

  8. So sorry Nige, you are not to blame for the decisions of others. I know full well what it feels like to want/need closure from the broken relationship of a father. Forgiveness is a difficult road to walk, but with it comes great peace. I truly hope that this woman realises what a cruel thing she did. Thanks for sharing with us! #globalblogging

  9. Wow. I am sorry for your multiple losses of the same person. I’m sure you mourned him the first time you lost him, or the many times without him over the years. But the final loss, that is a hard one. I am estranged from my folks and I often ponder how it will feel when I get that call, hear the news. Will I have any, “I wish I did’s?” I don’t know. For you Nige, please know that I have a great deal of empathy for you and your loss, and if I could put a hug in these words, I would do so. #globalblogging <3

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