Another year has passed and I’m another year older. The older I get, the more think of the estranged relationships I have with my brother and sister, and quite honestly it hurts a bit more every year.
When I was born I had a mother, father, brother and sister. I have on many previous occasions written how this family nucleus became estranged and dysfunctional. However, cutting a long story short, I only have a relationship with my mum, and my father passed away a few years ago, not that it made any difference to our relationship because we simply didn’t have one.
As I get older, strangely, I’m having a few regrets that I didn’t try hard enough to build bridges. Unfortunately the moment has passed now as he is longer with us.
What hurts as I get older is the fact that I have absolutely no relationship with my brother who I have not seen for 30 or so years. The chances of us seeing each other is also very slim because we live 12,000 miles apart, so I am unlikely to bump into him at the supermarket.
My mum also does not have any contact with my brother, her son, which is, I’m guessing part of the reason why I have no contact with him. On the odd occasion when I have made contact over the years it has always come with a list of restrictions which revolve around my contact with him and my mum, needless to say I usually cut the contact short because I cannot live separate lives and this I feel is disloyal to my mum.
It has been nearly 20 years since I last saw my sister. I have had contact on occasions via phone calls through the years, but this is very sporadic and we can go years without contact. My sister also does not have contact with my mum.
What happened all those years ago, to cause this estrangement, well, I have no idea. Maybe I was too young to notice, or understand, but whatever happened has left a lifetime of not talking between siblings as well as children and a parent. This makes me so sad if I’m honest and it has become a more constant thought as I get older.
I’m a dad of five children and I cannot imagine going more than a couple of days not speaking to them, and I know my oldest children are forging their way in the world and lead busy lives, but we always find time to talk to each other. Not speaking to my children on a regular basis is completely unthinkable to me. My brother and sister both have children and to my knowledge they all get on fine and speak to each other.
I have often wonder how my sister and brother would cope as parents, should their children decide not to have contact with them, or their children fall out with one another and end up not speaking to each other. I’m pretty sure they would be upset and heartbroken.
My mum, who is now in her twilight years, and I imagine every day is a bonus to her, is having to live her life out without any contact with two of her children. Sadness does not describe how she must feel, whatever the problem, the issues or arguments surely now they could put them to one side. I’m not saying you forget the issues, but forgiveness would be a nice thing to do and I’m sure it would make my mum happy, actually it would make me happy too! Although I’m not holding my breath.
The older I get, the more it hurts having no relationship with my brother and sister, because once my mum is no longer with us, the only connection to my childhood will be my brother and sister and we don’t speak. A feeling of belonging and where I come from will be lost forever.
The big question for me is do I start building bridges to form a relationship which I crave or do I let go and accept what’s done is done, and continue to feel sad about this situation?
I would love to hear your thoughts.