During my life I have suffered from depression many times.
Sometimes it’s lasted for years. My depression and mental health issues are something that I have learnt to deal with, sometimes successfully, other times not so successfully.
Looking back at my life I have come to the conclusion that a lot of mental health problems have arisen and continued to hang around longer than they should have because of my inability to be honest with myself. Unfortunately when you are not honest with yourself it so often results in a bout of depression and despair that makes you feel as though your life is spiralling out of control. This made life very difficult to live.
A good example of myself not being honest with myself was with my first marriage. I entered a marriage, that if truth be known, I wasn’t sure about. There was a level of toxicity to the relationship from the very beginning. What I didn’t know over the years and three children later is that I would end up in a completely toxic relationship that actually I blame partly on myself because while I put a smile on my face, inside I was sad, desperate and just wanted to escape this dreadful existence. The problem was that I was not being honest with myself, and I consequently fell out of love with myself. My life was spiralling out of control with dark thoughts about life and burying my head in the neck of a wine bottle while also taking anti-depressants. A sure cocktail for disaster.
There came a point when I needed to confess to myself that it was all wrong and I needed to leave. I could no longer see the wood from the trees. I needed to find happiness from the inside out and not continue on a life where I was lying to myself. I needed to love myself again so I could love those that mattered to me.
I made the decision to end my first marriage. It was completely broken and quite honestly not something I wanted to repair. Walking away was difficult because I was a dad to three children from that marriage. Leaving them left me with guilt and feeling desperate. I needed to deal with the fact that by leaving them I was actually on the road to finding the solution to my life and by learning to love myself I would be able to love them with all my heart.
I remember once I had left that I needed a motivation to help me to start loving myself again. The interesting thing is you have to dig deep within yourself to find that one thing that will lead you on your road to recovery. Weirdly the answer was right there in front of me. My children. I had a focus to take me away from the dark thoughts and the dark times.
I started the process by admitting to myself that I was in a toxic relationship. I knew I had to be honest with myself and once I did that I could learn to love myself again. It took years to overcome the sadness that I felt inside that my first marriage had reduced me to, but I did, and I found the motivation to feel happy inside and out and quite simply it was my children.
Life is hard at times, but sometimes you just have to be honest with yourself and tell yourself what is making you unhappy, depressed or just not functioning properly in your mind. Once you are honest with yourself, with what makes you unhappy you can then start the process of loving yourself again.
I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.