Our Embryos: Letting Go

If you are regular reader of my blog, you will know it’s predominantly a parenting blog and will also know that I have been married twice, after my first marriage I decided with I might a considerable amount of pressure to have a vasectomy, at the time I was already a father of three children, and I guess I never intended having any more children.

In life there is no way of looking into the future, and if I’m honest I’m not I would want to at times. But to cut a long story short my first marriage ended and I met the love of my life and of course as time went on we wanted children together. Of course because I had a vasectomy we would have go down the route of IVF.

So about seven years ago we started our first cycle of IVF, if I’m honest not in my wildest dreams did I think that nine quality embryos would come from the cycle and then on the first attempt we managed to get pregnant with twins, our girls were born at 34 weeks I seriously couldn’t of asked for more, two little girls and my goodness they were tiny but they were strong and they left hospital 27 days later fit and healthy.

As I have already said we actually had nine embryos which were all very good quality, seven of the embryos were put into storage should we decide to have more children.

Here we are now seven years later and up until this year we have renewed the storage for another year, but I’m not sure it was anything to do with wanting more children more that we couldn’t let go of what is potentially seven lives that would be biologically 100% us as a couple.

The cost of keeping the embryos in frozen storage is not a fortune but the last couple of years it seemed a pointless cost because we don’t really want anymore children. So this year we have decided to allow the embryos to be thawed out. Strangely this has left me feeling guilty and just a little bit sad.

I feel guilty because I know that if we decided to donate the embryos we could possibly help seven childless couples become parents. Please don’t judge me, but I am simply unable to donate the embryos the thought of children who are 100% ours alive and living somewhere in the world is something I can’t live with, I know it sounds selfish and maybe it is a bit selfish but for whatever reason and there are many I can’t do it.

This of course leaves us with the option of paying to keep them frozen or letting them go.

After a lot of discussion between my wife and myself we have decided with a heavy heart to send the letter asking for embryos to be thawed out.

Deep down we both know that we don’t want anymore children I’m i 100% certain well maybe not quite 5% of me has doubt, but it is simply not enough to keep them for another year. It really is time to move on.

So the decision to send the letter with our instructions to allow our potential children go has been made, it’s a sad day for me but ultimately I don’t actually see myself having more children. I actually think have five children in one lifetime is enough for anyone.

Letting go of our embryos has strangely being filled with guilt, sadness and I have at times felted very emotional all about it. But it’s time. The experience of IVF gave us our beautiful twin girls which after all was the reason for IVF for us to become parents.

One thought on “Our Embryos: Letting Go

  1. Can see why you would go through these conflicting emotions. As you say Nige you are talking about real potential lives. Anyone with a heart would see you could only have made your decision with with some regrets. But you made it together and know it was the best for you both. And not to forget you have your beautiful girls so the whole IVF was a success for you

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