A Parent’s Simple Guide to a Responsible Reward System for Kids

As a parent, you might have stumbled upon the much-debated question: should I give my children rewards?

Photo by sporlab from Unsplash

Some experts warn that rewarding good behaviors undermines a child’s intrinsic motivation and may lead to bad behaviors such as entitlement. On the other hand, proponents argue that the research has been misunderstood and that withholding rewards may make children feel neglected and unappreciated.

With opposing sides and warnings abound, it’s only natural for parents to feel confused at best and fearful at worst. At the end of the day, we all just want what’s best for our kids. 

That’s why we must remember to keep it simple and go back to basics. We need to remember that rewarding kids is just like any other parenting tool with its pros and cons.

Successfully navigating both sides depends on implementing responsible use of the reward system. In this article, we will lay down some basic considerations in setting up a responsible reward system for kids. 

Start with the Importance of Structure

Kids need structure. Consistency sets clear expectations and provides a sense of safety. It helps build trust between children and parents through rewards being carried out as promised.

Whether sticker charts for household chores or awarding personalized rosette ribbons for academic milestones, we must implement rewards that we can follow through by starting with a definite organized plan.

What is the behavior you want to encourage? What rewards are appropriate for the behavior? When should you give the reward?

Determine the Quality of Rewards

In deciding the type of reward, you can break it down into different categories, such as material and social rewards. Material rewards are physical objects that cost money, like toys and candy. Social rewards may include affection, praise, and spending extra time with your kids.  

Decide the type of reward with your kids. The quality of the appropriate rewards lies between the behavioral goal and what your kids truly value. If they don’t care for the social or material reward, they will not be motivated by it.

Adapt to Neurodivergent and Neurotypical Kids 

Determining which group your children belong to can also help in developing the reward system that might work well with them.  

Studies show that a more immediate reward system is effective for children with ADHD. For kids who are neurotypical, it is worth noting that social interaction tends to be rewarding for them.

Take Small but Meaningful Steps

Much like the “what,” the “when” can determine how appropriate and effective the reward will be. 

For instance, some people think about giving rewards only at the finish line. However, doling out smaller rewards over the course of time can better help with difficult tasks or learning new behaviors. Small but meaningful steps toward the behavioral goal can help you and your kids keep track of their progress.

You might also want to check out token economy systems that work well with older children and autistic children. 

Be Firm but Flexible

Be firm in employing your planned reward system for consistency. Still, because the core of any reward system is progress and therefore, change, you must also remain flexible. 

For example, you initially planned to reward your child for each time they receive a good mark on their math homework. However, you find them unable to do so because they struggle with completing their homework on time. With a better grasp of the situation, you can now modify your plan so that they are rewarded each time they meet their deadlines, which can eventually lead to getting better grades.

Avoid the Cons

Even with the proven benefits of rewards, we must still be mindful of its possible disadvantages. Studies show that there are approaches to rewards that can result in demotivated or reward-dependent kids. 

The good news is reviews of these studies suggest that rewards may decrease a person’s innate motivation if the person is rewarded for tasks they already enjoy beforehand. 

Avoid focusing all your positive reinforcement on activities your children already enjoy. Gradually reduce your reward giving once your children learn to like doing a certain behavior, letting their enjoyment be its own reward. 

Photo by sofatutor from Unsplash

Assess and Check In with Your Kids

Here are some questions you may want to ask to assess if your reward system is working or if you need to modify it:

1. Are you and your child on the same page? Are the rewards and behavioral goals clear and specific? 
2. What has your child achieved so far? What are the things that prevent or delay your child from achieving the discussed goals? 
3. How does your child feel about your reward system? Is it motivating, or is it developing a sense of entitlement in your child instead?  

Be Patient and Enjoy the Rewards Too

Recognize that any system takes time to work. Behaviors don’t change overnight. Reward systems can be effective if they are meaningful and responsibly implemented.

Rewarding kids responsibly can bring a lot of benefits not just with its end goal in shaping behaviors but also with how it can strengthen the bond between parents and their children.

Remember, you and your kids are in this together, so enjoy the rewards with them too!