My Children, Grandparents, Death and Honesty.
Do I get jealous when I see or hear of other parents telling me how the grandparents had their children for the night, or took them out for the day?
Well, yes. A little part of me is jealous, but circumstances beyond my control have left my children with just a grandmother, my mum, who they all know as Nanna.
My older children from my first marriage have always been fortunate to have their nanna in their lives since they were born. She’s without question been a wonderful influence on their lives and she would do anything for them.
My twin girls are going to be five years old on their next birthday. Being an older dad has some disadvantages and one such disadvantage is that my mum is unlikely to see them grow into their teens.
However, I do feel blessed that no matter how many years they get with their nanna, they will always have fond memories of her. Of course one of the other disadvantages is that my mum had me late in life and the consequence of this is that my children have an elderly grandparent.
Just under a year ago my father died. I was estranged from him for around 20 years so my children never knew him as their grandfather.
Explaining this to my older children is fairly easy. They’ve just accepted that this is the way it is. My only sadness is that he never got to know his biological grandchildren. Still, that’s his loss and I truly believe that. He missed out on five grandchildren that were his direct bloodline, but that doesn’t really surprise me because he had little interest in his own children.
As my twins get older they will know that he didn’t care to be a grandfather and they will be able to read all my thoughts about this person through this blog and it will hopefully help them understand the difficulties of the relationship that I had with my father.
The other day one of my five year old twin girls, R, completely without warning asked me who my mum is. Easy answer, it’s nanna! To which R replied, oh yes I forgot and giggled!
R then asked me who my dad was. This is something I haven’t been asked before by her, but I found it easy to explain and she asked if he was in the clouds with mummy’s mummy, and I said yes, that’s right.
It worries me that we are saying that they are in the clouds because of course that is nonsense but I suppose it’s an explanation that is acceptable to one so young.
My wife has always explained to them that her mum had passed away a long time before they were born and there is a picture on our mantelpiece of her, and they know that is also their nanna. This is something I try to reinforce to them as it is an important part of their heritage.
R took a pause and then caught me off guard as she asked me who is mummy’s daddy?
I was not really sure what to say and stayed silent. Of course we all know what toddlers are like, they keep asking. I can’t and won’t go into the circumstances surrounding their grandfather on my wife’s side of the family as it would be totally inappropriate at this time.
Then R said to me is he in the clouds like your daddy and mummy’s mummy? I will be honest, I didn’t reply at first and then she asked again. This is where I made a big mistake as I said kind of, but it’s a lie, because he isn’t dead.
What worries me is that I have started a web of deceit and lies. If I have it is with good intentions to protect my twin girls from something I believe they are too young to understand. It is a very complicated situation and it would be impossible to make any sort of sense to a five year old. The problem is, have I got it completely wrong and should I have been honest? I have never lied to my children and genuinely feel that truth is always the best way forward, and this whole conversation left me feeling very thoughtful and disappointed in myself, as I feel I didn’t handle the sutuation very well.
At the very tender age of five should you explain the whole situation knowing full well that a child so young simply wouldn’t understand and if anything it could confuse and upset them, which is something I am not prepared to do.
At what age do you start telling your children the total truth whatever the consequences? I would love to know what you think.
16 Comments
Heidi Brown
October 28, 2016 at 12:57 pm
I think honesty is definitely the best policy, when it comes to death. I think it’s important that children know that people will not come back, but I also think the way you tell it will depend on age and understanding. A three year old wont understand ‘dead’ where as an eight year old might. I think the same with estranged family. I see my dad about once a year if he can be bothered. Finlay has asked a couple of occasions who he is, Mummys Daddy, but we don’t see him much because that’s grandad’s choice. That seems enough for now. I’m sure I will get more questions as he gets older, maybe my dad will put more effort in maybe not, I think as long as the child knows it’s not because of them, be as honest as you can.
Sarah Howe
October 28, 2016 at 2:20 pm
It’s really hard to know when these questions arise! My daughter got all upset this am when she asked would I be old and I said yes!! I think you made the right decision this time. As they get older the questions will be more probing and you can perhaps tell them more. Thanks for hosting.
Peachy’s Mom
October 28, 2016 at 4:33 pm
I don’t think we should ever lie but it is necessary to adjust how information is presented based on age. As far as death goes, there are so many unknowns surrounding death and I don’t think young children deal well with unknowns. They have questions and they want answers. So we have to take some creative license to fill in the gaps. As for other difficult family situations, it depends on the circustances. I never met my grandfather on my dad’s side. Never seen a picture. Don’t even know if he’s still alive. When I was little I was told that daddy’s parents were divorced and daddy lost contact with his father. I didn’t find that particuarly interesting so I didn’t ask follow up questions. It wasn’t until my teenage years that I learned the details of that situation. #ThatFridayLinky
ablondeandababy
October 28, 2016 at 7:37 pm
Such a hard situation, I think you dealt with it really well and in the best way you could at the time. If they ask again or maybe in a few years try and give them a child friendly honest explanation if that’s possible but it’s so difficult. Thank you for hosting #ThatFridayLinky
Amie
October 28, 2016 at 8:07 pm
To be honest at this age I don’t think they would really remember your answer exactly when you are fully honest about the situation to them. If they’re old enough to understand at a later date then I honestly think they’ll understand why you sugar coated it when they were just 5. I really don’t like it when people try to keep their children in a protective bubble and are never honest to the extent that if a goldfish dies they will replace it rather than explaining death (like my parents!) I always think it’s best to describe things how they are but in an age appropriate way. Personally I think you have done a great job on this topic 🙂 Parents/grandparents that chose not to be involved is never an easy one to explain but one day they’ll understand and maybe then you would have more answers and a better/honest explaination 🙂
I loved reading this #ThatFridayLinky
Lex
October 28, 2016 at 9:14 pm
I think you made a good decision, it can be a difficult decision. My daughter is 21 months old, luckily she has her grandparents on her Dad’s side but none on mine. I lost my mother as a child and my father is alive and unfortunately no contact. I think as they are only 5 you did a good thing. It’s a complicated thing to explain to an adult let alone a child. It’s not going to hurt them or there youth so until questions are asked again I think you drew a nice line under it and gave her a few answers which is all she wanted. Children are curious beings, but don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing great! #thatfridaylinky
Brandi Puga of Big Fit Fam
October 29, 2016 at 3:15 am
Depends on the question I think….and your own personal life experiences. I believe that this will be different for every parent, even when they are parenting the same child. It is one of the many struggles of parenthood…#ThatFridayLinky
David Shaul – DadvWorld
October 29, 2016 at 6:56 pm
Great post!! I’ve not had this yet as Corben is extremely lucky. He has 7 Grandparents, including Great-Grandparents.
I imagine or at least hope that by the time this difficult situation arises Corben will be old enough to understand.
Another part of parenting that is awfully difficult. I’ve always thought it would be nice to tell them whoever it is that’s passed now lives in their hearts or minds/memories. However only parents can decide whether their little ones are old enough to understand that.
Very thought provoking as always!
PS. You’re an amazing Dad Nige, I wouldn’t beat yourself up about a few white lies, when they’re older they will understand what you’ve done was what you thought best at this stage. 🙂
Jemma
October 29, 2016 at 7:43 pm
Sounds like you dealt with this very well- we have a similar situation in our family. Honesty is the best policy but I also think children can unnecessarily worry when they don’t fully understand and each child is different so best to break it gently.
mainy – myrealfairy
October 30, 2016 at 8:41 am
Honesty with the odd lie thrown in seems to work well in our house. It would be great if I could say that I’m honest all the time but thats just not how it is. I’m as honest as I can be at this stage in their lives.
Mainy
#brilliantblogposts
Lianne harris
October 30, 2016 at 2:41 pm
I think Amie summed it up well, they probably won’t remember your lie, and if they do then they will later understand why you sugarcoated your response.
I respect you not divulging the reasons as although as bloggers we put our lives in detail out there, there must remain some private details and of course it is understandable something so personal would not be disclosed.
I think you handled it very well, my father hasn’t spoken to me or my siblings for over 12 years now and has missed out on five grandchildren. When Ben grows older I’m not sure how to explain that grandad is his step grandfather. Do I volunteer the information or let him ask questions first??
#thatfridaylinky
Catherine Radley
October 30, 2016 at 9:22 pm
I think it depends on your family circumstances but it’s such an interesting question, and I haven’t even begun to think about any of the answers! #ThatFridayLinky
Jade – Raw Childhood
October 31, 2016 at 12:03 am
I think that it depends on the circumstances whether a white lie or the truth is best.. I haven’t seen or spoken to my mum in nearly 7 years, she doesn’t know my boys and never will but I know a time will come and I will simple tell them that she made my life a misery and that I want their lives to be as awesome as they can be.. Don’t beat yourself up about it, yeah it’s hard but they have probably already forgotten 🙂 #thatfridaylinky
five little doves
October 31, 2016 at 9:05 pm
I think when it comes to death, honesty is the best policy. My children have grown up knowing their brother is dead and that he won’t be coming back, and they do question that and ask me why, but we tell them he was poorly as how can I explain to them that we don’t actually know why he died? I think in that way, the details aren’t important when they are children. It’s better to give them hard facts and the rest can wait until they grow. #thatfridaylinky
David – Potty Adventures
November 3, 2016 at 10:46 am
It’s a tough one isn’t. We’ve just had to explain to our toddler where the dog has gone never mind grandparents and the like. I think for us personally honesty is the best policy but then there’s ways of not giving the full truth but not lying in order to shield kids from things like this at such a young age. Tough subject at any age.
David – Potty Adventures
#thatfridaylinky
Sunita – Lucky Things Blog
November 4, 2016 at 8:46 pm
I wrote a post about Things we love about grandparents on my blog last week. The girls don’t get to see their grandads as my husband’s dad passed away when he was little. My dad lives abroad and can’t travel. Its important to still have photos of them up so the kids know who they are #brillblogposts