Why the way you speak to your child matters

When we become parents, we spend a lot of time thinking about how our children speak to us and how we can help them to behave. When they need discipline, we correct their behaviour and we make sure that when they want something they show manners and grace to get it. We move children away from rude behaviour and yet, while we’re doing all this, it’s rare that we think about what we say as parents, and how we say it. It’s very hard to view what we are doing objectively, because as far as we’re concerned, we’re right.

Ask yourself: if I played back what I just said, do I sound loving and patient? Are my own words as kind as those I expect from my children?

If the answer is no, then you need to think about how you communicate to your child. In extreme cases, parents who are consistently negative when speaking to their children end up with children that lash out and react negatively: after all, getting ANY attention is better than nothing, right? Well, no, not right.

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Parents who aren’t looking after what they say can be considered to be emotionally abusive toward their children. If you noticed your partner talking in such a way to your children, it’s likely you’d be sitting down with family law experts to discuss contact, because limited contact with someone who breaks down the emotions of a child is better than constant scrutiny. Children are magical. They see the world in colours that we can’t even fathom. Everything is an adventure and they are clay to be moulded. Moulding children takes patience and positive energy. Negative comments and tone of voice are only going to create a child who always believes that they’re bad – which they’re not. Perhaps you’re tired and your tone isn’t as patient or kind as it could be – it happens. But there is a difference between knowing this and fixing it, and knowing it and letting it continue.

The “sticks and stones” rhyme is entirely incorrect. Broken bones heal, but words etch themselves into the heart and your child worships the ground that you walk on. The things that you say matter. The way that you behave matters. And if you’re consistently impatient and corrective, then you’re only going to create a child with a personality that cannot ever find the positive in themselves – because you are the one telling them that they’re not worthy of positivity.

Learning to use positive language when you speak to your children is going to take some time. Your actions are learned behaviour from your own parents. If you are willing to work on the way that you speak and what your children hear, you’re going to do far better than you think. Your relationship with your children depends on the way that you treat them, and this treatment is rooted in your words. Take the time to learn how to speak to them and you’re going to see the secure, confident child that you could have if you speak positively.