Brilliant Dad Feature week 43
He has two children, and two stepchildren, and is currently working on a ballet to be performed by cats! He likes cheese!
1. Have you always wanted to be a dad?
In all honesty, no. I didn’t grow up with a dad, and my mum was an alcoholic; the parents I had didn’t really enjoy the job, so I didn’t have a great desire to be one. I told myself it was me, they didn’t like me, and for many years I suffered from depression. I was told that this depression was a chemical thing, caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain and that I’d have to take antidepressants all my life to address that imbalance. My feeling was that this was, must, surely, be a genetic thing and being at your lowest isn’t something that you would ever want to pass on to anybody else. Why have children if you, sometimes, wish you’d never been born?
As I grew older I changed my mind and the idea of having children became appealing. I guess, as I approached 40, I thought that I might actually be a good parent, at least better than those I had, and I was running out of time to make that happen. Genes, you see. I blame them. Selfish to the last.
2. How did you feel when your children were born?
Terrified. My ex-wife was in labour for a long time and I was tired, she was tired, our new son was tired and it didn’t seem to be going right. He was small, long, and not really feeding well. I knew it would work out okay, it had to, but I was worried.
I remember leaving the hospital after our son was born, and we had this tiny little bundle in a fluffy sleep suit sitting in the car seat, and I was prodding and poking to make sure he was still alive!
We got home, got stuff out of the car, our son was asleep and the car seat was in the middle of the living room and I thought, away from the reassurance of the nurses and the security of the hospital “Now what the fuck do we do?”
When our daughter was born I felt more comfortable. This wasn’t a new new thing, I knew what to do, but I also had our son to look after. I could change a nappy, and had changed a nappy, anywhere and everywhere. I think I felt more confident.
3. What have been the most rewarding experiences so far as a dad?
The time I spent looking after them as a stay at home dad, when my ex-wife went back to work, were the most amazing times. I guess it was just me and them and I look back on that fondly. It’s mad, they’ll never be like that again and they’ll never know what it was like, and even when they’re 20 or 30 I’ll still remember them in their strollers, waving at people in supermarkets and shouting “FIRE ENGINE!” whenever we see one. No matter how old they’ll be I will always see the child in them.
4. What are some of the funniest moments to have happened to you as a dad?
Oh, I’ve probably blogged the hell out of them! The good thing about having a blog you can chronicle some of the daftest moments with your children and share them for all the world to laugh at you! I don’t know if it was my daughter, after we all had to use a public loo on a day trip, shouting out in a train carriage full of West Ham fans “Daddy, you have a willy like a sleepy snail” or my son, while we were at a play cafe, shouting out, while I was in the loo “Daddy? Are you doing a poo?”
5. Have there been any situations with your children that you have found difficult to cope with?
While the day-to-day as I looked after the children was rewarding it was also lonely at times. I think, if your only company all day every day is two children under 2 and CBeebies you fray at the edges a bit. I certainly did and I know I became quite depressed.
6. What are your hopes and dreams for your children?
For them to have better lives and opportunities than I ever had. They’re already smarter than me in so many ways, and learning all the time, so the world is their oyster! I also, with every cell of my being want them to be happy. The world is a better place with them in it and I hope they enjoy life, experience and accomplish more than I ever have, and do it secure in the knowledge they could never be loved more than they are.
