Brilliant Dad Feature week 104 

This week our brilliant dad feature is James who blogs at Blog of dad. He writes under the pseudonym ‘James Smith’. He uses a pseudonym because he wants to protect his daughter’s anonymity, while at the same time writing honestly about his experiences as a father. On his blog he refers to his daughter as ‘Hannah’ and his wife as ‘Emma’. Again, these are not their real names, but they allow him to tell the story of their lives in a way that others can relate to, while still maintaining privacy. His daughter is just under 1 year old and they live in Sydney, Australia.

He started his blog when his daughter was about 8 months old, because he realised some of his memories of her early days were slipping away. He wanted to have a record of those moments in her life that he would otherwise forget, or that would become hazy over time. Now, when he looks back at some of his old posts, he is instantly taken back to those moments. He says he has never been one for keeping a diary, so it was a challenge to begin with, but it’s something he is really pleased that he decided to do and something that he plans to do for a long time yet. Hopefully other parents enjoy reading his work. That it provides  a good mixture of humour, light-heartedness and genuine experience.

Thank you very much to James for taking part.

1. Have you always wanted to be a dad?

I wouldn’t say it’s something I thought about much in my younger days, but it’s definitely something that was on my mind for a while before Hannah came along.

It took me until my mid-20s to realise that I was still just a boy, and that my actions and lifestyle weren’t conducive to proper adulthood. I wasn’t a tearaway or troublemaker, but I’d somehow fallen into a pretty dull dead-end retail job. I’d also picked up some bad habits, like smoking.

At some point I decided it was time to embrace adulthood. I went to university, got a degree and became a professional. One New Year’s Eve I quit smoking (put the packet down and never looked back). I became highly motivated and worked hard to be successful. It was around then that I started thinking seriously about family, about whether I wanted to have kids. It became clear to me that kids were something that I wanted in my life, then soon after that I met Emma. It wasn’t long before I realised I had met the person with whom I wanted to have a family.

2. How did you feel when your children were born? 

My daughter, Hannah, is now 11 months. The whole time around the birth is a bit of a blur, because things happened very quickly, but a few key things stick in my mind.

Firstly, I had a bit of self-doubt leading up to the birth. Despite some of the growing-up that I had done, I still questioned whether I was the right guy for the job. I worried that I was too selfish, too set in my ways or too used to my routines. I worried about whether I would be able to form a connection with a tiny little girl, whether I could handle lack of sleep and dealing with the bodily functions of another human – all the hard stuff! It wasn’t all negative, there was a lot of excitement and wonder about what the future held, but the doubt was there.

Hannah’s birth wasn’t easy, so when she arrived I was emotionally drained and confused. I’m not sure I felt much at all as Emma cradled Hannah in her arms for the first time, except perhaps numbness or a bit of worry as neither Hannah nor Emma were out of the woods yet. I remember that the midwife took Hannah in her arms and did the standard checks (weight, length etc.). I followed her around taking photos with my camera, like some kind of tourist, more focussed on being able to show Emma the measurements than enjoying the first moments of my daughter’s life.

Finally, Hannah checked out okay (although some subsequent concerns about her breathing meant she spent her first night in the special care unit) and it came time for me to hold her. I sat in a chair and this tiny little bundle of blankets, with a teeny tiny head sticking out the top, was handed to me. I must have asked the midwife three times if I was holding her correctly, as if I was worried that her head would suddenly drop off, I was so nervous.

Finally I looked down at who I was holding. A moment of clarity followed as I really saw my daughter for the first time. I realised that my little family was the most important thing in the whole world. I realised that my life had changed forever, in the most incredible way. I felt love and connection immediately in that moment, although I’ll admit that it was nothing compared to the connection that I feel now that Hannah’s personality is beginning to shine through.

3. What have been your most rewarding experiences so far as a Dad?

It’s surprising how rewarding the past 11 months has been. I love watching Hannah grow and change on a daily basis. Hearing Hannah giggle for the first time is right up there. Emma was making some silly noises, Hannah giggled and I’ve never seen Emma with a bigger smile. I’ll never forget it. I’ve been doing whatever I can to make Hannah laugh since.

It was also incredibly satisfying to hear Hannah say ‘dad’ for the first time, and probably even more enjoyable when she said ‘mum’. I’ve written about both of these experiences on my blog.

The final reward is that Hannah has helped me to put some things in perspective. I’ve put work in the background for the first time in a while, and I will only be working three days a week this year. That gives me a whole lot more time to enjoy being ‘dad’, and to become better at it. I’m expecting this extra time with my daughter to be extremely rewarding.

4. What are some of funniest moments to have happened to you as a dad?

Honestly, I find it really funny when Hannah has a spectacular fall (as long as she doesn’t hurt herself). I find it funny because I can see that she’s pushing the limits of her ability, to the point where she falls over – all flailing arms and legs, face planted on the ground and nappy-clad bum in the air. Then she looks up at me and sees me with a big grin on my face, and it makes her smile or laugh and then she gets right back into doing whatever it was she was doing before. I’m the first to pick her up and give her a cuddle if she’s hurt, but I love watching her tenacity and willingness to push the boundaries of her ability. The fall is an important part of the learning.

I also find that the sillier I act, the more Hannah laughs, so I find myself doing all kinds of things that I wouldn’t have done before Hannah. I’ve taken the saying ‘dance like no-one’s watching’ literally, so I’m often spotted doing some ridiculous move that makes Hannah giggle and makes Emma shake her head. I love getting down on my hands and knees behind Hannah as she crawls, then chasing after her. She turns, looks at me, squeals, then takes off at lightning-speed with a big grin on her face and me in hot pursuit. When I get close enough she rolls over onto her back in a fit of laughter, because she knows I’ve caught her and that she’ll get a tickle and a cuddle.

5. Have there been any situations with your children that you have found difficult to cope with?

Yes, all the time. Being a parent is difficult. Things don’t go the way you expect – babies scream through baths, they flip themselves over on change tables, they fight to the death over getting dressed and they cover everything in a 2 metre radius (including you) with spat-out parts of their dinner. Often these things are easy enough to deal with, but after a long day at work, or when I haven’t slept properly, they can become difficult to cope with.

The other thing that I find difficult is my daughter’s eczema. It is a topic I keep meaning to write a post on, but I’m forever putting it off because it’s hard emotionally to focus on the single most painful part of my daughter’s day-to-day life. I keep waiting for it to resolve, to get better. I tell myself that then I’ll write the post. But of course, it doesn’t ever fully go away, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it’s red-raw and almost unbearable for my poor little girl – irresistible to scratch. Sometimes it’s cleared up a bit and I think things are getting better, then the next day it has flared again. That’s difficult.

The routine for dealing with it involves the application of up to five creams and lotions, at least twice a day. This routine was the result of several visits to Sydney Children’s Hospital and it definitely helps, but Hannah dislikes the application of every single one of the creams. It’s hard to hold your tiny little daughter in your arms every night and do something that results in extreme screaming and wriggling to escape.

6. What are your dreams and hopes for your children? 

I hope that I can provide Hannah with all the opportunities that she needs to grow and develop.

As she grows, I hope she will find her strengths and her passions. I hope that throughout her life she can find contentment, satisfaction and love.

I hope she develops a strong worth ethic, a drive to succeed in whatever endeavour she chooses. I hope that she maintains her unquenchable thirst for understanding and learning.

I hope she avoids living her life in a bubble, instead that she experiences the vastness and diversity that this planet has to offer. I hope that she listens to others with compassion, empathy and an open mind, but at the same time she is strong and articulate in the way in which she defends her convictions. I hope she chooses scientific rigour and intellectual debate over superstition, tradition, hearsay, marketing and emotion.

I hope that the glass ceiling is a relic of our age, a historic curiosity. But that if the ceiling still exists, I hope she can find and exploit the cracks and holes that have been punched by the many great women who have gone before her, and that her generation can hammer away at these until the whole ceiling shatters into a billion tiny pieces. And that she gracefully flips the bird to those who seek to ‘put her in her place’ along the way.

I hope she always knows that she is loved by her mum and me, no matter what.