A few days ago I was talking to somebody who shall remain nameless, but they were having difficulty dealing with life and feeling down. It made think about my own life when I was depressed and when I found everyday totally exhausting. It prompted me to write this post about this period of my life.
We read so often how lots of people live the perfect existence, but of course the reality is that life is not so perfect and there are lots bad times and good times in our lives.
About 15 years ago I suffered from depression. It was a very dark part of my life and it was difficult to deal with the everyday things of life. Waking up in the morning was something that I didn’t look forward to. It meant that I had to face another day and quite honestly I didn’t want to. Being awake at times was just too much to bear.
Of course most people would say pull your socks up and get a grip and get on with things. Really useful comments. Not!
From my mid-teens when puberty and testosterone were taking a hold of my body and mind, I used to suffer from massive mood swings. One minute I would be the life and soul of the party, full of happiness and joy, but it would change to me locking myself away in my bedroom, or going out looking for trouble.
Looking back I must have been a joy to know! Unfortunately my mood swings didn’t disappear as I got older, and if anything they got worse and more obvious to those who were closest to me. I would push and push so that those that loved me didn’t want anything to do with me.
About 15 years ago I had run up quite substantial debts up and my first marriage had gone bad. I really didn’t like the person that I was looking at in the mirror. I was drinking excessively and of course I didn’t realise it was making me even more depressed. I had to do something because I was spiralling out of control. I was having sucidal thoughts and even attempted to act upon it once.
I needed help and fast because this was eventually going to end badly.
I went to my GP and when I look back I actually laugh at what happened. After a 5/10 minute appointment I was prescribed anti-depressants and was told to come back and see the GP in 30 days. No counselling, no chat, just a ‘here you go this magic pill will put it right.’
Well, it didn’t put it right. I went a couple of years of popping pills and drinking and feeling no better.
After a couple of years of going to see my GP, the same one, although it got to the point of not seeing anybody and just getting a repeat prescription. I had to eventually go back for an assessment and I had to see a doctor and for whatever reason I saw a different GP. This doctor not only changed my life, but I believe he saved it.
The doctor sat and spoke to me in length and tried to learn as much as he could about me and then recommended I have counselling sessions with an expert. I received 8 weeks of counselling once a week and it changed who I am. I finally was able to unload all of what was going on in my life. It gave me the ability to find direction and purpose.
The counselling lifted the dark times that I felt. There is no pill in the world that can solve that. Talking puts everything into perspective and allows you to move forward with a clear mind.
Within a year I left the anti-depressants behind. I had stopped drinking and I haven’t drunk anything in about 16 years. I faced up to the debts that had piled up and needed paying. It took many years to pay them off, but I did. I could have easily gone bankrupt, but I felt that was wrong because after all nobody twisted my arm to borrow the money and it was only right to pay it back.
Life is never easy, although I think for many years I tried to be something I wasn’t. I felt like the typical square peg trying to fit in a round hole. The expectation from other people that I should be this or that always left me feeling uncomfortable.
I found who I wanted be eventually and have never looked back. Although it’s never far, away the mood swings, they don’t happen very often and if they do they are quick and are considerably milder.
I am finally me, who I want to be and where I want to be. I am far from perfect, but it’s me and I’m comfortable in my own skin.
8 Comments
Chloe Ciliberto
March 21, 2017 at 9:12 am
This is a fantastic post! I’m sorry you went through such a dark period, something very similar happened to me and just like you I was prescribed pills and no counselling at first. My advice for anyone going through something similar is to find someone to talk to. Talking really does help. It makes you see everything in a new way and helps you to release. It’s not a miracle fix, but over time it helps things to get better. I hope lots of people going through the same thing read this post! x
five little doves
March 21, 2017 at 10:37 am
Oh Nige, it saddens me to think that you went through such a dark time and you were let down by your initial GP. I am so glad that you were able to get the help you needed in the end and well done you for sharing this now. I have lived with depression for 19 years now, and like you I have been let down by countless GPs over the years. It’s so important to share our stories and show others that, not only are there good doctors out there but, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank for sharing. #triumphanttales
jeremy@thirstydaddy
March 21, 2017 at 2:12 pm
All too often nowadays people seem to think that a magic pill is all that is needed to make things better. As you know, we have been dealing with depressive issues with the teenager for a while now and its so important to have the right people trying to help. Glad you found somebody to listen mate. #triumphanttales
Brittany | A Mindful Geek
March 21, 2017 at 2:46 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this with the world. The more people share their experiences the more lives can be saved. People just feel so alone. I suffer as well and some mornings feel like I am in a body cast and cannot move. Moving can hurt. Depression causes physical pain. You are amazing for being honest about your experience! #TriumphantTales
Ali Duke
March 21, 2017 at 5:03 pm
Thank goodness you finally got the help you needed. It can be hard to find a doctor who really cares and knows how to treat you, I know this from personal experience. I am sure reading this will help others to search for the help that they need. Thank you for sharing this.
#TriumphantTales
John Adams
March 22, 2017 at 6:58 am
I had to read this Nigel. In fact my wife did too and said “f-ill in the blanks-k me, he’s had a hard life!” Anyway, fascinating experience with your first GP. It’s not a helpful attitude at all and how terrible for you. I’m glad the counselling worked out. I experienced it myself some years ago and I believe it can help. Great post. Love your candid way of writing.
Laurie
March 22, 2017 at 12:15 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. I have had similar experiences and have now given up drinking myself – 3 months in & I feel better already #TriumphantTales
Mrs Mummy Harris
March 25, 2017 at 6:51 pm
Thank you for sharing this post with us at #TriumphantTales. Depression is so horrible and to have one person reach out and genuinely want to help can make all the difference. Unfortunately my doctors are also too quick to prescribe a drug and not offer counselling.
I am so glad you’re in a better place now though!