Dark time in my life

I have never written about this period in my life most likely because I shut it away in a filing cabinet draw in my mind which is something I have probably done all my life. I have always thought it’s an easier way to deal with problems in my life and now I realise that’s total rubbish and actually makes it worse. 

So I had decided to leave my first wife. Unfortunately there was going to be a fallout. I had three children who I knew I was going to miss with an aching heavy heart, but I was not happy infact I was desperately unhappy. 

Rewind six months I started drinking too much and that was getting worse. I had been prescribed anti-depressants and had debt mounting caused by a combination of things. 

Over the next six months my life was spiralling out of control. I began drinking from first thing in the morning until last thing at night. I’m pretty sure I was permantly drunk and it wasn’t go to end anytime soon.

I would be out to different pubs all the time, but never really knew where I was. A mixture of drinking and anti-depressants was leaving me a state of oblivion. 

My children were seeing me in a light that I now know was totally unacceptable and slowly but surely as young as my children were I was pushing them away, but I was alienating everybody out of my life. 

I remember reaching out to my father for help only to be rejected which had happened many times before in my life. It was the last time I saw or spoke to him until just hours before he died. 

Looking back this part of my life was a blur and just as quickly as this all started I woke up one morning and thought I need to change. This is not me. I had slept rough numerous nights blitzed out of my brains and if I was not careful I would lose my children forever. 

I stopped drinking and realised what was really important to me, my children. I spent one last Christmas in the family home and left. I made sure I rebuilt the relationships with my children. The choice was simple end up on the streets as a drunk or give up drinking and have my children in my life. 

Thankfully my mum took me into her house and was brilliant with me seeing my children on a very regular basis. It took a long while but relationships were rebuilt and to this day I have great relationships with my three oldest children. 

I was on anti depressants for a while to help me though some tough days, but eventually I came off them and got my life back on track. Lessons I learnt was nothing and nothing should get between you and your children. It’s one of the most important relationships in life.

It’s strange that out of a very dark place in my life came the most wonderful person I have ever met. My wife. It was like coming through the mist of a nightmare that turned into a beautiful dream. 

What made me write this post now about this period in my life when I was in this dark place all those years ago is because depression was seen as something of a ‘what’s the matter with you, pull yourself together’ kind of thing. Thankfully today it is treated as an illness and there is real help out there now.