Divorce and children

I have two experiences of divorce. One as a child and one as an adult. Hopefully I can explain two very different points of view. 

When I was eight years old my parents separated. To be totally truthful I can’t really remember the moment that they separated. Probally because our home seemed calmer as my father was an alcholic and abusive man so things were just better without him around.  

As time went on I rarely saw my father. I actually missed him in a strange way. I needed him in my life, but to this day I can count one hand how often I saw him. I felt isolated for a time. In school as I felt as though this was only happening to me. Of course in reality it is happening to a lot of people. 

My life as I entered my teens became rebellious. I’d get in trouble with the law, fighting etc. Luckily it never led to serious trouble and I grew out of it. 

I remember attaching myself to friends because it made me feel wanted and all these years later I feel it didn’t really affect me that badly. If anything it made me stronger and more determined to do the right thing by my own children. 

My other perspective of divorce is as an adult. My first marriage ended in divorce and I had three children from that marriage.

One thing I was determined to do was to make sure my children never felt that I had run out on them which is exactly how I felt as a child.

One the most difficult things I have ever done in my life is to tell my children aged only eight, six and four years old at the time that I was leaving their mother and would not be living in the same house as them anymore, but trying my best to explain that I was not leaving them. 

I remember it being a Sunday around teatime in mid January. It was cold and raining, but I decided to go for a drive with them to explain the situation.

This was going to be tough, but I had to be strong. It was difficult to say the least, but I did it because the marriage was over and I had to make a decision that was good for me and in long term good for them.

I am to this day not sure how they took it, but I decided there was no point in giving them false hope. I took them home to their mother and left with six black bags of clothes and my car before heading to my mums.

It was an incredibly long and sleepless night, but I had to do it for my own sanity. The hardest part is not giving in and going back to a dead marriage. I just wanted to be with my children and believe me that is so difficult because I loved and missed them so much. 

My mum, over the next 12 months was my rock. It was never an issue for all three of them to stay which gave me the contact that I craved as I refused to lose close contact with my children and any obstacle my ex-wife put in the way I overcame every single time.

It may seem strange, but I think I’ve seen more of my children since leaving that marriage than I may have had if I had been been living there. Although there are things you don’t get which I will always feel I missed out on. For instance every night putting them to bed and waking up to have breakfast with them. 

There are many moments that reduced me to a mess but one moment always comes back to me. My son who was about six years old at the time wrote a note and all it said was I miss you I love you dad from A and he left it in my car to find. It totally destroyed me and I still have got that note.

Through it all I believe all three have grown up to be really nice people and totally well adjusted which goes to show that children can live through divorce and come out the other end. I have fantastic relationships with all three of my children and in 11 years there has never been a day that I have not spoken or seen at least one or all three of them.

As for me I have been with my darling beautiful wife for 10 years and we have twin girls together. Life is very good and I could not ask for more.

If anything my upbringing without a father in my life helped me to stay in my children’s life because I refused to allow them to go through what had happened to me and my three older children have great relationships with their little sisters and my wife.

Divorce needn’t be the end. Sometimes it is the start of a very good life although different to what it was before. 

I believe in taking the positives from the situation and have enjoyed watching my children grow up.