Doctors, Medications How Life Has Changed This Year

My life seems to be a circle of doctors appointments, having blood taken at regular intervals and the constant thought of have I taken my medications today, which I find incredibly irritating. Life this year has changed for me beyond what I thought it would. It’s a strange feeling because I no longer feel like me. I’m not the man I was, and I don’t mean that in an alpha male way. My confidence has taken a hit this year and I think all the time, what next?

This has all stemmed from having a stroke earlier this year. Physically, yes, I have recovered, but the mental scars it has left I’m not sure I will ever recover from.

Before having the stroke my personality and character was reasonably outgoing and trying to live life to the fullest. I was full of confidence and self belief without any feeling of vulnerability or doubt about any decisions I would make, but in the space of 24 hours that all changed.

My life now is different. I am no longer comfortable about travelling any distance and being a blogger where I am often invited to attend events that I would like to attend, but I struggle with the decision to go, and my confidence is so low at times that I just turn down the opportunity, which is a shame because deep down I would like to go, but can’t find the motivation or desire to go.

Yes, my life was put into perspective. It was a levelling experience that told me I am no longer indestructible. I can be broken, my body can stop working the way it used to, and I often wonder if the way I have lead my life is the reason I ended up having a stroke. Probably not, but you never know,

My life has changed beyond recognition. There are times when I feel vulnerable, anxious and suffer from panic attacks.

My thought patterns since having a stroke has also changed dramatically. I struggle to not think about anything, but worse case scenarios, especially when it comes to my children. Some examples of this type of thinking is for instance, my eldest has just been to New York for a five day trip. For me this was so stressful, mainly because of the constant shootings that are reported in the USA. It gives me a view of America which in truth is wildly distorted, but for all of that my worry levels are at the highest levels.

My second eldest daughter lives and works in Southampton, and has only recently started driving more regularly. She comes home on fairly regular visits and usually drives, but the two hours it takes her to get home is without a doubt the longest two hours of my life. Again I worry about the worse case scenario of her being involved in an accident on the motorway.

My 19 year old son is in university and a few weeks ago he phoned me to tell me that somebody had been stabbed about 50 yards from his front door. This has put the fear of god in me that the area he lives in is actually quite dangerous, and so I constantly worry about that through no fault of his own because the area he lives in is rough.

My six year old twin girls is another source of worry for me, especially when they go on a school trip as they did the other day. My worry will always be that the teachers are looking after them properly. I know they are, but it doesn’t stop me worrying.

These thought patterns weren’t there before I had a stroke, but the laid back approach to life seems to have disappeared at the moment and I live in a constant state of anxiety.

I went to my doctors the other day as part of a review of how I am getting along and I was very honest that the last few months at times have been very difficult, and I came to the conclusion that after having the stroke I went back to work full throttle much too quickly and never allowed myself to process exactly what had happened. It was about six months later that everything came to the forefront of my mind and it built up making me feel very vulnerable, and totally full of anxiety. My confidence was at its lowest level for many years.

I made a decision to take my foot off the throttle in relation to work and that has allowed me to start processing the last nine months of my life.

I am also going to start counselling in a few weeks time to alleviate the anxiety and panic attacks that I have been experiencing.

It’s been a tough time the last few months, but I am finally coming to terms with exactly what happened.