How To Support A Friend Or Loved One Who Is Living In Recovery

In recovery, not recovered.

Notice the subtle difference between the two words. One is resolved. It lives in the past tense. The other exists in continuous action. When your friend or loved one says they are in recovery, it doesn’t mean that their addiction is behind them. Instead, living in recovery is a lifelong process because there is no cure for drug addiction.

Being a chronic illness—like heart disease or asthma—means that, though there is no cure, the condition can be treated and managed successfully for life. If you are a friend or family member of someone with drug addiction, it’s important that you understand this key fact. 

They are in recovery, not recovered. 

This post is going to explore some ways you can help support those friends or family members who are living their lives in recovery.

They’ve Made Changes, So Can You

When spending time with a friend or family member living in recovery, you need to be conscious of and respect any boundaries they might have. Every person living in recovery has different boundaries regarding what kinds of behaviours or activities they are comfortable being around. 

Remember, they have made many difficult changes and have most likely sacrificed several relationships to get to a point where they can manage their addiction effectively. It’s important to know what they are comfortable with before inviting them out to a party or an event where there may be drugs or alcohol.

Respect who they are and not who they were. If you want to spend time with them, you might have to put away the booze and be open to activities and events that are free of the triggers that can cause stress, anxiety, and, at worse—relapse. 

This brings us to our next point:

Relapsing is Not a Sign of Failure

Like other chronic illnesses, relapses are a normal part of living with addiction. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, between 40% – 60% of drug addicts will relapse at some point in their lives. This relapse rate is actually lower than other chronic illnesses like asthma or hypertension, which both have relapse rates between 50% – 70%.

If your friend or loved one has a relapse, avoid preaching, lecturing or acting in a confrontational manner. Instead, you need to display unconditional positive regard, which is a concept made popular by mid-20th century humanistic psychotherapist Carl Rodgers.

Unconditional Positive Regard

A person practicing unconditional positive regard sees all people as possessing an innate desire to improve their lives and reach self-actualisation. So, when people make mistakes or bring harm to themselves or others, a person practicing unconditional positive regard will see that person not as a failure, or as somehow bad and deserving of the circumstances facing them, but rather as a person who is capable of change and deserving of love and support. You can read more about alcohol recovery at abbeycarefoundation.com.

Practicing this effectively has to do with framing the circumstances:

Instead of saying, “you’ll never get clean like this,” or “maybe you are just meant to be an addict,” make it clear that this relapse is just a road bump on their path toward self-actualisation. 

Because—according to the principle—we are all striving to be better people. When a friend or loved one relapses, you can let them know that you see their pain and their struggles. Approaching them with unconditional positive regard shows that you value them and their attempts to stay clean, despite not agreeing with their choices.

Don’t Be Dismissive, Either

Some people may be tempted to lessen the severity of their addiction—as if making it less of an issue will somehow cure a chronic illness. If your friend or loved one relapses, avoid using dismissive anecdotes about “pulling yourself together,” or “toughening up.” 

These are toxic ways of framing drug addiction and are akin to commanding someone to will away heart disease or cancer. Essentially, it’s absurd and belittling because you are telling a drug addict that if they ignore their disease, it will go away.

Respect Their New Lifestyle

Living in recovery is self-actualisation in action. People who are in recovery are in the process of becoming their best selves and, frankly, there are countless awe-inspiring success stories out their. Ultimately, thats what supporting a friend or family member is about. Being there for them so that they can write their own success story. 

Ask yourself, how do you want to appear in their story?

Jenn Walker is a freelance writer, blogger, and dog enthusiast living unapologetically in recovery in New Jersey, where she is an advocate for addiction treatment.