Lets Talk About My Mental Health But It’s So Difficult

It was my birthday last Friday and it made me reflect upon my life and the last year. It is also just over two years ago that I had a stroke, and at that time it put so much in perspective of what’s important in life.

What I didn’t realise is that over the last two years my mental health has progressively become an issue. If you have ever read anything on my blog you would know that throughout my life I have suffered from depression from time to time. The bouts of depression have on occasion been mild, but they have also been very severe. The issue can also be that without warning my mood can plummet to a low level very quickly and without any warning or apparent reason.

Over the years I always thought that I had become able to handle the depression and I knew when it was going to hit. I could see the signs. I was able to detect the dark clouds circling above me, and I was able to stop the spiralling effect depression can have on your life. A couple of weeks ago I finally realised that I was not in a good place and quite honestly have not been in a good place since I had my stroke. It was quite a shock and I simply had not opened up and talked through it with anybody about how I was feeling and that can become a very destructive force in your mind.

The truth is I was feeling detached from all the world and all those that I love around me. I was lost in my own mind, and struggling to see the trees from the forest. Life was becoming a blur. My thoughts have been in a dark place at times, where the desire to be in this world, well honestly has not been there. Those looking back are some of the scariest thoughts you can have, but for me depression can destroy my perception of real life, and that also scares the shit out of me on a regular basis.

I was pushing and pushing those that I love so very much away from me. At this point I wish I could explain why I was doing this, but I can’t and it’s not a new occurrence in my life. I have over different times in my life pushed my loved ones away. The consequences of my actions and behaviour meant ultimately that I was going to lose all those people I love the most in life if I didn’t do something about it. This on any level is unacceptable behaviour, but the truth is I actually didn’t know I was doing it.

This has been a very gradual process that I’m sure started, but I’m not entirely definite, started after I had my stroke. I was left physically ok, but mentally I was left feeling vulnerable, weak and I felt I was letting down all my loved ones.

Part of my depression is rooted deep in my childhood and in particular my father, who I had a very distant and dysfunctional relationship with, and there were many periods of absences in my childhood where he was never there. The reality of his actions to me were that he left me feeling unloved, unworthy and I had a massive amount of low self esteem. I didn’t believe anybody could love me because I felt unwanted and unloved. This stems from a childhood which was basically unhappy because my father was not there, and now when I look back it actually feels very tragic that somebody could have so little time for their biological son.

The truth is I thought I had conquered these feelings of self worth, low esteem a lack of confidence and the belief that nobody could love me, but in my life, which is one of bouts of depression, it never really goes away. It sits there in the back of your mind waiting to jump out when you least expect it or when life is more stressful than normal.

The final straw came to a breaking point and I needed to open up and talk and tell those close to me what had been going on in my head. I have now had a visit to the doctor who suggested anti-depressants, but they are not really for me. I have used them before and found they are only a short term fix. What does work for me is counselling and I have been referred for counselling.  Learn more about depression and mental health from BetterHelp.

The lesson I have learnt from the last two years or so is that you need to open up and talk about the issues that are going on in your head otherwise those that love you will think that it is them that is the problem and you will without a doubt make them unhappy. It really is as simple as talking which has always been a struggle for me.

Part of depression is also centred around paranoia and I over think things. I will sit in a room full of people but not actually be in the room. The reason will usually be that I am over thinking everything, and anything to the point where it’s far removed from what actually happened, and it becomes all consuming as I try to put together something in my mind that simply doesn’t add up. It’s a thought that becomes 24/7 affecting how I live. Is that paranoid or is it truth? It gets to the point where I can’t work out what is true or untrue as I exaggerate the entire situation This will give me sleepless nights. My brain hurts from the overthinking of situations or events. The reality of course is just my paranoia building up in my mind, and lowering my mood to difficult levels to live with.

I’m now moving forward with a more positive mind that I can find an even keel in my mind. What I must learn to do is talk and be more open about my mental health.

If you suffer from mental health issues do you talk about it? Or do you shut the world out? I would love to hear in the comments below.

Mental Health still has an enormous stigma surrounding it which stops people like me opening up and talking. Let’s talk before you can’t.

#letstalk