Over the last four years of blogging I have written on many occasions about my life and some of the very difficult experiences that I have encountered. This has been hard to deal with recently, especially as I have got a little older and I would like to say wiser, but sadly that’s probably not the case. I have become a little retrospective about my life and what I have achieved. In fact if I have achieved anything at all? I certainly have not made a difference in the world, but have I made a difference in my world?
A lot of my insecurities and issues that I have suffered from all come from one moment in my life when I was eight years old. The bubble in my life was burst and I believe from that moment my life path and the decisions I would make throughout my life were defined and it was a path that I would struggle with all of my life.
So why at eight years old did the bubble I was living in burst? I have documented this previously, but when I think about it, it actually still hurts me to the core how fragmented and dysfunctional a family can become when two selfish people (my parents) make decisions about their lives that ultimately will have a profound effect on three other human beings that will most likely haunt those three innocent people for the rest of their lives.
My life bubble was burst the day my father walked out of the family home for the last time. I went from being an innocent child to a street wise kid who had witnessed too much trauma in what was a supposedly happy family home that would leave an imprint on my memory forever. There is no doubt that many of those memories have impacted on many of my decisions that I have made in adulthood and in all honesty some of those decisions have left me feeling embarrassed and ashamed.
The relationship with both of my parents was for many years left in tatters. Yes my relationship with my mother has been repaired to a pretty good relationship, but the relationship with my father was never good, and it was sporadic to say the least, and never really repaired. In fact he has passed on now and I saw him on the day he died after a 15 year gap of estrangement. That for me was closure. Not that he would have known because he never woke up. He was sedated until his last breath. The decision to see him was without question one of the toughest of my life which I wrote about at the time “Do I see my father before he dies” Now a few years on I’m not sure it gave me the closure I needed, but sadly it’s too late to change it now.
The moment my life bubble bursted it also destroyed any sibling relationships. Although the sibling relationships were ok for a while, they are all but finished with now, as we have little or completely no contact between the three of us, and haven’t had for many years. My parents certainly have a lot to answer too, not that they ever will. One is dead and the other is old with a selective memory.
At the beginning of the post I asked myself the question have I made a difference in my world? Well, have I made a difference? Regular readers of my blog will know I have five children. This is where I believe I have made a difference in my world and their lives. Just being a parent that is there for their children was the biggest single difference I think I have made from living my childhood in a burst bubble. Did I achieve anything? Well, I finally found the perfect person to share my life with which I have to admit took some searching, and I have five fantastic children who are all well adjusted human beings, so I must have had a hand in there somewhere with that. You see my world is my wife and my children. So hopefully they will think I have made a difference to their lives.
Of course I could say that everything that I have done or suffered from in my adulthood is all down to my childhood. For instance when I had serious issues with alcohol after my first marriage broke down, would my first marriage still have fallen apart? Most likely, it was flawed from the beginning and destined for failure. Would I have suffered from depression on and off throughout my life? Did I inherit depression and alcoholism from my parents which I wrote about “Can You Inherit Alcoholism And Depression?” I have always wondered if it’s possible to inherit these conditions, who knows?
In my teens and early twenties would I have suffered from anger issues? The list actually is endless. I know in all honesty that it is wrong to blame my childhood, and my parents actions for everything, but they have contributed to so much of it, but also a lot of it was of my own making, but had I grown up in what is considered a normal family home would I have been different? Well truth is we will never know. It’s done now, and I have to live with the consequences and fall-out of my parents actions all those years ago when they burst my life bubble.
The older I get the more reflective I seem to get in my life. Is this something that you do the older you get? I would love to hear your thoughts.