It has been a few days since I spent my 24 hours in resus, and the reality of what happened to me having a stroke at my age has started to mess with my head.
It’s been very difficult to come to terms with the thought that this could have been so much more serious, and I could have been left in a condition that would have affected my quality of life. Thankfully it hasn’t, but it has given me a warning that my lifestyle has to change.
The thought of being a burden to my wife and children is something that comes to mind on a regular basis. The thought of them living on without me makes me cry uncontrollably. With an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I feel selfish that I wouldn’t be around for them ever again.
Going to sleep at night is difficult because lying in the dark my mind starts to work overtime and I can’t help but think about the possible repercussions of what happened. They are dark thoughts that I find difficult to remove which then affects my sleep, and leaves me tired during the day.
The reality of such a blunt stark warning in regards to your health is a very sobering thought. For me I can’t help think about all the things I would miss if I wasn’t here anymore.
My three older children I would not see settled and sorted in their lives, maybe married with children of their own, which consequently would make me a grandparent, and that’s something I don’t want to miss out on.
I’m also a dad of six year old twin girls who really have only just started living, and the thought of not seeing them grow up, upsets me beyond anything I can put into words. The thought of my little girls not having me, their dad, in their lives during their childhood, quite honestly hurts beyond what I can cope with.
My mother is in the twilight of her life and I struggle with the thought that I would be gone before her. I know this is something she would struggle with too.
Finally I spent my life searching and looking for my perfect life partner. 13 years ago I met my wife, and in an instance when we first looked at each other I knew I’d met the person that would and does make me happy beyond my wildest dreams. I instantly fell in love. Everyday I feel lucky that we met. I love her so much it actually hurts. When I have the thought that I might not be around to share our lives together it’s unbearable. It’s quite funny at the moment though because if I cough she instantly asks me what’s wrong, and I feel she is glued to me all the time at the moment!
All of these health scares started with a car accident just before Christmas, and although I had high blood pressure before, it seemed to spike higher just after Christmas. I also had chest pains, and I ended up in hospital. After months of different medications and dosage changes, my blood pressure was never really controlled properly. I do have a bit of annoyance towards my GP practice with the constant medication changes, but not solving the problem. Had a bit more care have been taken to solve my blood pressure, I wouldn’t have ended up having a stroke. I guess I will never know now.
My current mental state is not great because I keep thinking of worst case scenario which is making me very emotional at times and undoubtedly making me worry with any pains I may be getting, especially in the chest area.
I know it will get better and I will begin to have a more positive attitude, but it’s a struggle at the moment. I’m too young and just not ready to sign out quite yet. Life is fragile and I have learnt in that in the blink of an eye everything can change, and not always for the best.
Physically I will recover reasonably quick, but my mental state will take longer while I come to terms with this episode concerning my health.
I would love to hear your thoughts.