Should You Intervene When Your Children Are Arguing?
When I was growing up I was one of three children. My siblings were a lot older than me so arguing with them never seemed an issue. If anything I was spoiled by them, which I have to admit gives me fond memories.
When I had my own children it was quite a shocking revelation to see siblings argue. From my first marriage I have three children. The age gap of all three of them is just three and half years, which is very close. As they grew up I started to see more arguments happen between them and initially I would get involved to try and sort out the disagreements they were having. What I learnt very quickly was the more I got involved the more likely I would end up getting blamed for their disagreement. This always staggered me considering I was only trying to help, and somehow they always managed to lay the blame at my feet for an argument they had been having.
So I came to the conclusion to stand back and not get involved in their arguments, unless of course it got physical, then you without doubt must get involved and break it up.
Part of the deal of siblings is they won’t get along all the time, and they will have arguments and disputes. I have learnt to stand back and let them sort out their disputes between themselves. I have found that the minute you are involved, you see fault on both sides, but sometimes you see more fault on one side than the other. This can be result in you appearing to take sides. As a parent this can be fatal.
My five year old twin girls have developed what I consider a very bad habit. Coming to mummy and daddy and telling on each other constantly! I refuse to get involved, and instantly tell them to sort it between themselves, which I have learnt to do from the experience of my older children arguing with each other.
So should you intervene when your children are arguing?
I personally don’t think so. It’s a great life lesson to learn at as young an age as possible. Resolving disputes is something they can take into adulthood when dealing with other people.
For me it’s about learning how to compromise and not to be stubborn and unwilling to give and take a little bit. Sometimes in life you have to be the bigger person, and take a step back to resolve a dispute, and this can be learnt from disputes with your siblings, as long we as parents allow them to work it out.
Do you think we as parents should intervene when our children are arguing? I would love to hear your thoughts.
20 Comments
Tash
February 16, 2018 at 12:17 am
I think it’s all about balance. In the first instance we leave it and let them try and resolve it themselves. We all need conflict resolution skills in life, but in saying that if it’s escalating and getting out of hand or starting to get physical we obviously intervene. #ThatFridayLinky
Chloe
February 16, 2018 at 7:03 am
Hi, I think as with so many things in life it is all about balance. It is good though to learn how to comprise and what is right and wrong from an early age #thatfridaylinky
John Adams
February 16, 2018 at 7:13 am
Well , there comes a point where you have to intervene if a child is getting distressed or you think fists are going to fly. Over time though, like you, I’ve learned not to intervene. More often than not, kids do sort these things out themselves.
relentlesslypurple
February 16, 2018 at 8:44 am
My girls argue quite a lot! I used to always step in but I have stopped over the last year unless it gets violent. Eva is always happy to cause an argument then go running to an adult which I quickly realised and now tell her to sort it herself. The arguing has calmed down a bit lately and I do think leaving them to it helps them to resolve issues themselves if anything stepping in prolongs the arguing. #ThatFridayLinky
Maria | passion fruit, paws and peonies
February 16, 2018 at 9:03 am
My kids got on really well, but when they argued I acted as a guide only. I’d ask, ‘have to told him why that bothers you?’, ‘So, how will you handle that?’ etc. I think it was good keeping out of it a bit. They had to learn to understand each other to move on. I wouldn’t serve up tea until they had a chat etc. They are super close as adults now. It’s not all down to this, they are compatible as humans, which made it easier. x
Enda Sheppard
February 16, 2018 at 9:11 am
Such a difficult one sometimes— obviously at times you have to intervene, but it’s amazing how much less kids fight when parents aren’t around, or aren’t available! I have developed an occasional affliction called selective deafness, which only kicks in when I hear a row going on that I think they should sort out for themselves! #ThatFridayLinky
David Pearson
February 16, 2018 at 9:18 am
Learning to deal with confrontation and arguments is a life skill so letting them work it out themselves is best. However, for my own sanity I probably intervene to soon too often!
#ThatFridayLinky
mrs mummy harris
February 16, 2018 at 9:44 am
I think letting them sort it out between themselves gives them skills of problem solving and social skills as not everyone is going to agree with eachother. But as you said, not letting it get out of hand so stepping in if the occasion arised. #thatfridaylinky
Squaredawaydad
February 16, 2018 at 9:46 am
Letting them argue is a good way to help develop communication skills – I can relate to Enda’s comment about selective deafness – otherwise we are in danger of becoming referees rather than parents. #ThatFridayLinky
Out Of Depth Dad
February 16, 2018 at 10:15 am
Really interesting post Nige. I think that allowing kids to argue it out, as long as it doesn’t get too full on, is a good idea. As ever it’s about balance, and being there, to step in, if things escalate. #ThatFridayLinky
Tasker Dunham
February 16, 2018 at 12:14 pm
I think it’s right not to get involved in these arguments, but it sometimes works if you ask what they want you to do, discuss it peacefully, and then suggest they use what you’s discussed to sort it out themselves. It can be easier said then done though.
JeffWood
February 16, 2018 at 2:22 pm
For me, I let the kids figure it out on their own for the most part. Having arguments allows them to learn how to deal with differences that will translate into life.
I will however intervene if it gets out of control. I won’t try to solve the problem, but I will pause the emotion and get them to talk.
#ThatFridayLinky
Daddy Poppins
February 16, 2018 at 4:54 pm
I intervene now as my 2yo is too young to understand but I hope they’ll be able to compromise in the future
Martina
February 16, 2018 at 5:38 pm
Oh, this is such a tricky dilemma. My 4 and 6 year olds don’t really argue that much …. yet! But they are always grassing each other up. And I do listen to their snitching. Well, I do for now. Who knows for how much longer! The reason I listen is that I hated it when my mum didn’t listen to me (one of 4 girls) and my snitching, as it meant that the wrong-doer could do whatever they wanted. (See how I kind of paint myself as the one who never did wrong?)
Also, I quite like to intervene so I can be judge and jury!
Queen/Judge/Jury/Dictator of The Empty Nest
Gavin Leonard
February 17, 2018 at 8:10 am
Luckily we have just the one for now! Heehee
David – Tales of Two Children
February 17, 2018 at 5:24 pm
Fidget & Little Man argue regularly. We try and instigate discussion, but Little Man has only just turned three so he will go straight to hair-pulling because it gets a response. I intervene when it gets physical. Great post, Nige.
#ThatFridayLinky
Fi Anderson
February 18, 2018 at 1:10 am
I think it all depends on what the situation is and the maturity of the children. All children react different to different situations so you’ve got to know your kids and trust your gut! #ThatFridayLinky
Jo – Pickle & Poppet
February 18, 2018 at 8:43 pm
We’re at the little sister annoying the brother stage which ends in squabbles but when the little one is only 18 months old we have to intervene, but as they get older and learn to express themselves more I would like to think we would back off a bit. I think keeping an eye on the situation to make sure it doesn’t escalate badly is key but like you say, it is resolving differences is something that is learned. #ThatFridayLinky
Lisa Pomerantz
February 19, 2018 at 8:53 pm
I am all for them working it out amongst themselves. Learning conflict resolution is a wonderful skill that can only lead to good relationships and better communication. Does this always work? No. 🙁
#thatfridaylinky xo
Musings of a tired mummy…zzz…
February 22, 2018 at 7:45 am
Arguing and social negotiation are important social skills that children need to learn. They need guidance on how to deal with each other but parents should not get overly involved unless they are struggling to resolve issues #thatfridaylinky