My six year old twin girls have now realised that their older sisters and brother do not have the same mummy as them, and they have started saying to me, “So dad, you lived with somebody else before mummy and that is our sisters and brothers mum?” Of course I reply and say yes that’s right, but this is where I find it difficult to continue the conversation mainly because I have no desire to talk them about my ex-wife.
When my first marriage broke up many years ago, I took only one thing from it. My three children. I didn’t want the house, money or any possessions. In hindsight that may have been a bit hasty, but at the time I wanted as far away as possible from a very poisonous relationship. What mattered the most was my children. I was under no circumstances going to allow anybody or anything stand in the way of me being a dad to them, and believe you me my ex-wife tried numerous tricks to cause issues, and poison my children against me. Sadly that is sometimes the deal in divorce.
Thankfully I always resisted the temptation to walk away and have no contact. You may ask why? Well, quite simply I love my children with all my heart and I wasn’t going to let them go through life without a dad fully in their lives. I knew only too well how that felt in my own childhood, and I wasn’t going to inflict the same pain and hurt on them. I was not going to let them carry the guilt and feeling of not being wanted by a father around their necks, which is what I did for far too many years.
I am very definite about the fact that my six year old twin girls will of course have a great and solid bond with their older siblings and thankfully that is the case. I know none of them see each other as just half sisters and brothers. As far as my older children’s family on their mothers side are concerned, I never want them anywhere near them or in fact to know anything about them. There is nothing beneficial about it for my six year old twins.
This is obviously being controlled by me and rightly or wrongly that is a past life I want nothing to do with, and I see no reason why I should. So when the girls bring up the conservation I find it difficult to talk about and all but dismiss it. There is no doubt that will become more difficult as the girls grow older, and they possibly become more curious about siblings family.
The truth is life is not always one big happy family where everybody gets along even after divorce, and if I’m honest I have never understood why you would want to speak to somebody you have divorced. After all you got divorced for a reason, usually because you didn’t like each other so how does getting divorced make that any better? It simply doesn’t. It’s the break you wanted and the zero contact, at least that’s what I think.
Just last night one of my six year old twins said to me just before bedtime, so how old were her sisters and brothers when I no longer lived with their mother. It never ceases to amaze me what is going through a six year old’s mind, I quite honestly haven’t got a clue, but I’m not sure we don’t give them enough credit when it comes to thinking about life and their family.
Are you a dad to children with different mums? How do you deal with it? I would love to hear.