Divorce is a very unpleasant thing to happen to anyone in life but nowadays it is happening more and more. When I was a child my parents seperated and divorced and I was far from the norm in fact I was very unusual thinking back Me and one other child came from a divorced family.
When I got divorced from my first wife my children were seven, five and three years of age the two oldest ones were in school and they were far from unusual but most likely not the norm.
Fast forward to today and my four year old twin girls are currently in reception Year and I think that somewhere between a third and a half of children are from divorced family’s so in the space of 25 years or so it has increased dramatically.
Now my original question who are the losers in divorce in some cases children are the biggest losers because one of parents could just disappear out of their lives and nowadays that could be just as likely the mother because fathers are becoming the main carer in a lot of family units.
Today with so many resources online, then maybe my parents or myself if we had received some online couple therapy things would of been different.
Unfortunately divorce can be very nasty and children are used as weapons as parents are at war over everything from financial to emotional and changes that are taking place in their lives it is after all a very traumatic time and lots of worry, and so often parents want to hurt each other and kids well what better weapon.
Of course in lots of divorce cases it is very amicable and the do not suffer and have the best of both worlds. Which is time with mum and dad.
Traditionally in divorce when children are part of the equation. The children are left to live in the family home with the mother. This is something that has always irritated me. Never at any moment was it considered that I stay in the family home and look after my children in fact it was almost considered that I wasn’t capable. Because after all I have never done it that is if you don’t include the fact that I have been doing it 24/7 for years.
The biggest losers in divorce in my humble opinion is without question is the father it certaintly was in my case.
Those first few weeks after I seperated from my first wife I wouldn’t of wished on my worst enemy. I had gone from being a full-time 24/7 hands on dad to what I considered a part-time dad I wasn’t there to see them wake up or tuck them in at bedtime have a cuddle or kiss for absolutely no reason other than to show your love. I cried my myself to sleep many nights and felt at times that somebody had cut my legs off.
I saw them every day and they stayed with me every weekend but it was difficult because I had to live my mum because I nowhere else to live. Although I will be eternally grateful to mum for giving me the opportunity to have my children every weekend.
These were some of most difficult times in my life but I needed to stay strong for my children.
The divorce went through very rapidly with the help of a divorce attorney but I guess that was my decision i didn’t want it to drag out because in my heart and mind I knew it was all over and absolutely no way back, but there is a cost for that and most fathers will pay the price financially I walked away without a penny but I also thought that morally I had the higher ground because my three older children got to grow up in the house they were born in. All these years later was it the right decision most likely yes but yes I also have some regrets over this decision, but nothing I can’t live with.
Fathers are generally the parent that leaves the family home and is never given the chance to stay,as a single parent.
Fathers are always the losers financially without question in my day the csa chases you down and treats you like criminal and they simply don’t care that you spend money on your children. They just want a piece of you. Thankfully the csa has now been dismantled.
When I see fathers fighting for access to their my heart goes out to them it’s a struggle and if I’m honest it doesn’t surprise that some dads just give up.
Personally I never gave up whatever obstacle was put in my way it was never going to stop me from seeing my children and me being an important part of their lives. Which I have thankfully and I believe has now paid off as I have fantastic relationships with them.
Would love to know your experiances of divorce and access to your children.
11 Comments
@MumMalarkey
March 28, 2017 at 8:36 am
Really emotional read – I can’t imagine not doing all those ordinary things every day that come with living in the same house as your child. My parents also divorced when I was about 10, with 3 younger siblings – we actually all lived with my Dad for the first couple of years then eventually 2 of us lived with our mother and the other 2 with our father, which was pretty unsual I suppose!…I guess the loser there was our relationship with the siblings we didn’t see as often…But we’re all pretty close now we have children of our own and the family all gets together without too many ructions, and in the end divorcing was certainly the right decision for my parents, even though it was very tough on us all for a while #TriumphantTales
five little doves
March 28, 2017 at 11:10 am
It must have been very hard as a Father to leave the family home, his children and no longer be able to see them each day and share those day to day moments. My first husband actually chose to leave our home, completely out of the blue after 11 years together, having had an affair for 12 months prior to leaving. In that way, my sympathy was lacking a little! I actually felt like I was the one who ended up the loser as, through no fault of my own, I was having to share my son, missing out on alternate weekends and two nights in the week. Long term, it turns out that neither of us ended up as losers, he remarried, I remarried, we both went on to have more children and Lewis spends 5 out of every 14 nights at his Dads, in an arrangement that works best for our son. #triumphanttales
Laura Beresford
March 28, 2017 at 1:18 pm
I wasn’t married to my ex. He showed little enough interest in the kids and when we split for good he decided it was too hard for him to see the children. He also refuses to pay maintenance. There are some great dads out there, my male cousin got custody of his son. Non-resident parents have it tough but it is important to make the effort (unlike my selfish ex). My kids were lucky enough to have my parents as their second parent until my new partner came along. #TriumphantTales
Karen – The Allergy Mum
March 28, 2017 at 2:13 pm
This made me feel so sad. I can’t comprehend how hard it is to deal with divorce especially where young kids are concerned. Well done you for broaching such a sensitive subject.
#TriumphantTales
Karen, the next best thing to mummy
March 28, 2017 at 6:13 pm
I am also divorced from my first husband, when I remarried and had a third child, he thought he was missing out on something, as his older brothers went to visit their dad, my youngest asked his dad to move out, so he could visit him, my poor husband was most upset, but we laugh about it now
Sarah
March 29, 2017 at 1:22 am
This is a really emotional read. I’m sorry for what you went through. Divorce isn’t pleasent for anyone, especially the children and especially the parent who has to leave. Atleast you still see your children though. It’s so awful that some people, after a divorce no longer see their children as much, if at all. Thank you for sharing. x
jeremy@thirstydaddy
March 29, 2017 at 3:37 pm
I’m with you on this. All too often I see dads that are being completely shut out of their children’s lives for no reason other than an inability to continue getting along with the mother. These guys are shilling out thousands of dollars and missing out on things while trying to prove that they deserve access, with no reason for them to have to prove anything. Makes me very angry. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. #triumphanttales
Nate
March 29, 2017 at 8:11 pm
My children were both teenagers. So my ex-wife used the old “They are old enough to make their own decisions if they want to see you…and they DON’T!” Of course that was all another lie. So, all visitation ordered by the Court was thrown out the window and there was nothing I could do about it. She brainwashed them completely with series of lies about me (of course, she was the one who asked me for a Divorce to hide the fact that she was having an affair…but she has to look like the “victim” in all of this).
I’ve missed so much not seeing my children. My daughter graduated High-school and I wasn’t there because of a false Protective Order my ex filed against me. To get away from my ex-wife and her lies and false accusations, I moved out of state.
It’s tough but I get through it. I know I was a good father who always provided for them everything I wasn’t able to have as a child myself. Hopefully soon they won’t be her “sheep” anymore. My daughter has finally come around and speaks to me weekly over the phone (she doesn’t live with her mother anymore). My daughter is supposed to come visit soon. I can’t wait!
chickenruby
April 2, 2017 at 10:25 pm
my ex husband hasn’t bothered with the kids and any money he paid was minimal and rare, the kids now 18, 22 & 25 don’t really bother with him that much these days, their choice due to his lack of interest in them growing up. My husband and I fought for custody of his 2 kids and won and their mother has played a very little role in their lives, so much that now aged 28 & 29 they have no contact with her. My eldest child is from a previous relationship and his father has never made any contact with my son, my son turns 25 in May and they have never met, nothing to do with me not trying to make contact many times over the years, in that situation I pursued finances from him via the CSA. #triumphanttales
Mrs Mummy Harris
April 3, 2017 at 1:45 pm
I have a distorted and biased view on this subject as my dad cheated on my mum numerous times – even when in the midst of childbirth. He also spent his hard earned cash on designer ties whilst my mum wore hand-me-downs from her MIL.
Once he left my mum when i was 18 months, he then had the cheek to divorce HER for adultery as she ended up in a relationship with the man she is still married too. I now dont talk to him and only saw him for a few hours a week due to my nan and stepmum forcing him.
I think it is circumstantial and if a father has been a good dad, then the person who stays at home should be up for more consideration. If me and Hubby ever split – the way he has been with Ben I would perhaps consider the new seemingly popular option of sharing the house and the parents go to and forth and Ben would remain in the same house.
Thank you for sharing with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you again tomorrow
Jaki
April 3, 2017 at 3:13 pm
Thankfully I have never experienced divorce. But I do however see both sides of this story on a daily basis. I work for a solicitors who deal with just family law. So day in day out I hear stories about families being separated. It’s very sad. The courts have it right when they tell parents that it’s in the best interests of the children to have a relationship with both parents. So many people call up asking what their rights are when it comes to seeing their kids. When in actual fact it’s not about them at all, but the children who are the most important. If things did turn sour in my marriage, given my knowledge from work, we would do everything we could to make sure the Little Man saw both of us as much as he could. because that’s what he deserves. Thank you for linking up to #TriumphantTales, please do come back again tomorrow!