Black Clouds Are Filling My Mind
After the events of the last week in relation to my health, and the fact that at one point last Thursday, the severity of my situation really came home to me.
Sometimes what happens in life can leave you fragile and vulnerable, and last week has consequently made my mood plummet to a very low level.
Lifting my spirits to carry on with simple daily tasks is for me at the moment very difficult. I genuinely don’t know how to put myself in a better frame of mind.
At the moment I am currently not working. For me this is difficult, both mentally and financially. As I’m self-employed, if I don’t work I don’t earn. No wages on the sick for the self-employed in this world I’m afraid. This gives me a huge amount of guilt that I’m not contributing to the household.
Not working is difficult for a number of reasons. The first part I have to overcome is that I have always worked hard and generally always enjoyed it, but more importantly I am helping to care for my family with my wife financially.
That may sound a little bit outdated to some, but it’s important to me that I contribute financially so that we can all have a reasonable standard of living. At the moment that’s something I feel I’m not doing.
Worry is all consuming at the moment because of what I do for a living, which involves climbing ladders etc. I wonder if I will be able to go back to that, because of the ridiculous high blood pressure I have been suffering from. I’m hoping that the medication will regulate the blood pressure and bring it down to a level that is not going to affect my life too much. This will enable me to start my work life as before.
However, the worry of not knowing is leaving me if I’m honest a little bit depressed. Unfortunately I’m no stranger to depression, so inside my head I’m fighting hard to keep my head above water, and stop myself drowning in the black clouds that are circling above me, but at times it’s difficult.
As I said I’m no stranger to depression. 2003 being the worst year of my life. I had alcohol issues very badly and was taking anti-depressants daily. I had suicidal thoughts on a regular basis, and actually acted upon those thoughts once. thankfully it didn’t work, the truth was I only wanted to solve the problem, not end my life. I had enormous money worries, debt was everywhere, but I turned it all around. I found myself again and was the person I wanted to be. It took years, but my self confidence and self esteem gradually returned.
I’m not saying I’m about to end up like I was back in 2003, because if nothing else that taught me how much inner strength I have, and I will draw upon that inner strength now to get through this difficult moment in my life.
Back in 2003 there was one thing that I didn’t have that I now have and that’s my blog. When I started my blog it was my intention, as it still is now, to use it as a form of therapy for the many things that life has thrown at me. This is in a long list of problems I have faced in life. Writing about the issues that have happened in my life has helped me put them behind me.
I’m not desperate, but worried I certainly am, and this compounded by the fact that I am home all day with nothing to do except watch tv and think about things that I am allowing to become huge problems in my head, and trying to cross bridges, that I don’t need to cross just quite yet.
Life is different now. Just recently I celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary and my wife and I have been together 13 years. My wife is is my rock in life who I love more than life itself. I know with my wife by my side everything will be ok.
Hopefully everything will settle in time, and I will be back fighting fit. For the moment though it’s very tough to deal with, but I won’t let the black clouds engulf me
Have you had moments in life when the black clouds start to engulf you? I would love to hear.
8 Comments
Malin
January 17, 2018 at 12:33 am
I’ve certainly had those dark times, and I have to make sure (as best as I can) to not end up there again, in company of the ‘Black dog’.
It’s tough when death comes close, and you can end up wondering what the point of anything is when it might all just be gone in a flash. I try to focus on the value if the present. In case it all ends suddenly, we did at least have many good moments in the present.
I totally get the money worries, working on improving a pretty dismal situation…
Let’s hope that everything improves, and that the dark clouds sail away, eventually.
Lewis Brown
January 17, 2018 at 9:25 am
As you know I am still a sufferer of depression. At the beginning I kept it all locked away. But I’ve found that actually talking openenly about It – does help.
What you have wrote here is very moving and inspirational at the same time. It helps to think and prove that we’re not alone. And by telling your story will help others realise this.
The black clouds is how I like to explain my moods and it just swallows you up. I have had the thoughts but never acted upon them. But when they are there it is the most scariest thing you can go through.
If you or anyone else reading this would like to chat. Get in touch. Im no expert but I have been through a lot.
Chin up Nige. You’ll get through this. You know where I am.
Enda Sheppard
January 17, 2018 at 10:23 am
It really is great that you have an outlet such as this to express these dark thoughts. I think it really does help as when these dark thoughts are just in your head they seem vast and insurmountable. Getting them out there helps to make them manageable, or finite if you will. I think it always helps to give yourself small tasks to do. You achieve those and build up to bigger and more elaborate tasks and eventually you are properly busy and engaged with life like before. One step. Next step. Good luck
John Adams
January 17, 2018 at 10:52 am
I’ve had moments Nigel, but thankfully never on the scale you’ve experienced. You know the symptoms, you’ve had them before. Don’t leave it too late. If you need help, ask for it.
Suzanne Cox
January 17, 2018 at 12:50 pm
So sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. Yes, I have had black clouds, following bereavements and also following some very difficult work situations that I have been involved with. Like you, I like to think that if there is a next time that it happens, I will have the inner strength to pull through. In the meantime (and I’m sure you have been told this already, although it doesn’t necessarily make it easy to do), focus on self-care as much as you can. I hope that you blood pressure gets under control soon. Keep posting, blogging is indeed a form of therapy.
Kelly
January 17, 2018 at 2:30 pm
I don’t think it’s outdated to want to provide for your family, I think that’s something we all universally feel, but men are expected to do, it inevitably hits your self-esteem.
One day at a time during difficult periods like this. You’ll get there.
Linda Hobbis
January 18, 2018 at 11:56 am
Hi Nigel – I’m sorry to hear you’re suffering at the moment. I’m sure you’re inundated with ‘helpful’ health advice but at the risk of being a pain in the whatsit, can I recommend (and apologies for the title!) How Not To Die by Dr Michael Greger? It’s all about the massive impact of diet on health and I’m a huge sceptic but it’s the best argument of changing your diet to be more plant based I’ve ever read. There are loads of case studies of people who have seen huge improvements to their health, both mental and physical simply by altering their diet. It might be worth a go.
Anon
January 20, 2018 at 10:55 am
I’ve been there and, after having a very open chat with someone yesterday, the fear is I may be on my way back. I am determined to avoid that at all costs so have been referred for counselling (again).
I hope your blood pressure evens out & you get some work soon. In the mean time try & enjoy some rest & crappy daytime tv xx
Really wishing everyone who is suffering, in recovery, relapsing or at any other stage of depression the very best xx