How important is it to grow up with a father in your life?
That’s
a question I have asked myself a million times.
a question I have asked myself a million times.
When
I was about seven or eight years of age, my parents went their
separate ways.
I was about seven or eight years of age, my parents went their
separate ways.
Looking
back I came to the conclusion that my father was a selfish gutless
man, even though my mother was the classic woman scorned she was very
bitter and twisted. He never stood his ground and said: “I want
to see my son.”
back I came to the conclusion that my father was a selfish gutless
man, even though my mother was the classic woman scorned she was very
bitter and twisted. He never stood his ground and said: “I want
to see my son.”
In
fact it was the opposite. He all but disappeared without a trace.
fact it was the opposite. He all but disappeared without a trace.
I
have to say he wasn’t a nice man. He had a drink problem, but hell he
was my dad and I wanted him in my life.
have to say he wasn’t a nice man. He had a drink problem, but hell he
was my dad and I wanted him in my life.
My
mum was great and did everything she could, which was usually too
much, but I wanted someone to talk about football with etc.
mum was great and did everything she could, which was usually too
much, but I wanted someone to talk about football with etc.
On
my 10th birthday I remember my father bought me some presents. He
left them in the garage, but I never got to see him and that’s what I
really wanted.
my 10th birthday I remember my father bought me some presents. He
left them in the garage, but I never got to see him and that’s what I
really wanted.
Unfortunately
as the years passed I saw and heard less and less of him. To the
point where I have zero contact with him now.
as the years passed I saw and heard less and less of him. To the
point where I have zero contact with him now.
I
know how to get hold of him and I’ll be honest and say that there are
days when I want to, but I feel so let down as a child that after all
these years the hurt still runs deep.
know how to get hold of him and I’ll be honest and say that there are
days when I want to, but I feel so let down as a child that after all
these years the hurt still runs deep.
Now
as an adult and a father myself – I had three children by my first
marriage which didn’t work out and one the toughest things I have
done in my life was telling my 3 children that I wasn’t leaving them,
but leaving their mother.
as an adult and a father myself – I had three children by my first
marriage which didn’t work out and one the toughest things I have
done in my life was telling my 3 children that I wasn’t leaving them,
but leaving their mother.
This
happened about 11 years ago and I supposed what my own father
inadvertently taught me was not to let your children down.
happened about 11 years ago and I supposed what my own father
inadvertently taught me was not to let your children down.
One
of the many things I wanted to do for those three children was to be
there when they needed me.
of the many things I wanted to do for those three children was to be
there when they needed me.
This
could be anything from giving them a lift to school spending large
parts of the weekend with them, having them for tea in the week and
just being on the end of the phone if they wanted to talk at any time
of the day or night.
could be anything from giving them a lift to school spending large
parts of the weekend with them, having them for tea in the week and
just being on the end of the phone if they wanted to talk at any time
of the day or night.
I
was fortunate that all three played football so the weekend was taken
up going to different places to watch them and it was without
question something that I always enjoyed.
was fortunate that all three played football so the weekend was taken
up going to different places to watch them and it was without
question something that I always enjoyed.
The
three of them I believe have benefited from having me in their lives.
I might add not 24/7, but as much as I could in a divorce
situation.
three of them I believe have benefited from having me in their lives.
I might add not 24/7, but as much as I could in a divorce
situation.
They
are now 19, 17 and 15 years of age. I think they respect me and
always ask me to go parents evening and other important events.
are now 19, 17 and 15 years of age. I think they respect me and
always ask me to go parents evening and other important events.
They
always asks my advice, although I do give it, you can’t always be
right, but you try your best.
always asks my advice, although I do give it, you can’t always be
right, but you try your best.
The
conclusion I have come to is that yes children need a father and
mother in their lives.
conclusion I have come to is that yes children need a father and
mother in their lives.
From
my point of view I missed out a lot in not having a father in my
life.
my point of view I missed out a lot in not having a father in my
life.
I
hope with all my heart I have done everything I could for my children
and that they felt secure that I would always be there for them.
hope with all my heart I have done everything I could for my children
and that they felt secure that I would always be there for them.
15 Comments
Debbie Johnson
November 7, 2014 at 10:15 pm
It's such a difficult one. I have lived my life with my mum and dad together, happily as far as I can tell.
I am now married, with three children, and of course, it's really important to me.
My husband as never had a father figure in his life, has never felt the need to explore that aspect of his heritage, and is an amazing, stay-at-home parent. Almost in spite of never having a father figure he knows exactly what it should be.
To me it proves there is never a 'one size fits all' model, that we all make it work as best we can.
I think your experience demonstrates that, for you to fortunate enough to have a significant role in your children's life is definitely something to celebrated.
Honest Mum
November 11, 2014 at 10:41 pm
Such a tough one, my folks are still together and although I'm close with my Dad we are so similar, we do often clash. I think it's better to be apart when things aren't working out than for kids to see their parents unhappy, you sound like a wonderful father. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x
Carrie Landeryou
November 14, 2014 at 9:18 am
My parents divorced when I was 7 and for various reasons we were then brought up my my paternal parents. My relationship with my Mum disappeared but our Dad was very much a part of our lives and we remained incredibly close. I think its more important to make every time you see your children count than to worry that you don't see them every day. x
pixiedusk
November 14, 2014 at 11:49 am
My father is an alcoholic and my only wish as a child and till now that my parents would separate. Even though my father is there physically he is not really there are the alcohol is the thing in control. My marriage with my husband is not in good terms but I know that he is a good father thats why we are still together. Because I know that my son's our priority and not me. #pocolo
Yvette @ Big Trouble in Little Nappies
November 14, 2014 at 1:23 pm
I feel for you very much, and think it is wonderful that you found a way to be there for your children even though you weren't living with them. Not seeing them every day must have been really tough. I'm sorry for all you went through in your childhood, I know it happens a lot but it doesn't make it right or fair. Great, thought provoking post #binkylinky
DannyUK
November 14, 2014 at 1:57 pm
This could have been written by me! So much here that rings true from my own life. Glad to see you are still so involved with your kids đ #PoCoLo
Lottie Lomas
November 14, 2014 at 4:22 pm
Thought-provoking posts. I split up from my children's father two years ago. He sees the boys every other weekend, and tells me he wants to see them more. But when I say. "That's great – when?" he tells me that if he sees them, it gives me 'time off' – and giving me something is the last thing he wants to do. So he doesn't see them for extra time, after all.
It is such a sad and twisted state of affairs, and one day, I hope he'll see the mistakes that he's made. But by then, it may be too late to make up for them.
Emily
November 14, 2014 at 10:29 pm
I think it's so important for children to have both their mum and dad in their lives. Not necessarily together, but they should both be involved. Thanks for linking up to the #binkylinky
Andy Davis
November 15, 2014 at 10:10 am
Such a difficult one. I count myself very lucky to have never experienced this either as a child or parent. I think the amazing thing here is that you have clearly learnt from your own father's mistakes and stived to not repeat them. Well done, I'm sure your children are much happier young people for having you active in their lives. #PoCoLo
Emma T
May 4, 2015 at 7:11 pm
I agree to a certain extent. Certainly having people in their lives to lead and care for them. However not all fathers (or mothers) are cut out for parenthood, could be violent etc, and therefore their children would be better off. The 'father' figure could be taken by a family friend or another family member.
My dad died when I was 3 and my brother was 2 weeks old. My mum never met anyone else, and did a brilliant job of bringing us up. I don't know how she did it tbh, now that I'm a mum. Obviously I'm a girl so wasn't into sports or the like (although neither was my dad so I'm not sure he'd have been helpful on that side/any more than my mum was supportive), and I was definitely a daddy's girl. Yes our lives would have been very different, education, location, money wise, but we'd not have been the people we are today if he'd been here. My brother's never mentioned that he felt he missed out – his friends' dads were very close and looked on him as one of their children. I guess we were very lucky in our situation…although we've probably grown up maybe too independent having not seen the ins and outs of an adult relationship while we grew up.
Ashley Beolens
May 4, 2015 at 10:10 pm
I think it does depend on who the father (or mother) is, I have friends whose children are not in the lives of their father, but the fathers in question are not good people to be around (violence and drugs). However like you I left a failing marriage, but did NOT leave my kids, they know I am only a call away, and always will be should they need me.
I think what is important is that which ever parent(s) are around they give the children all the love and support they can.
Alan Herbert
April 23, 2017 at 2:40 am
I spent the majority of my life without a father.
My birth father put me in an orphanage when I was 3 and then at 11 I went to a year round boarding school.
I was lucky in that one of the boarding house masters became a father figure to me. I respected and looked up to him.
So I’m a way I think you can get on without a father as long as there is a father figure in your life.
Like you though I know that if anything were to happen and Mrs OMG and I split. I would make sure I was there every time my children needed me.
Great post as always Nige đ
John Adams
May 21, 2017 at 7:08 am
I don’t wish to say too much about my personal situation. Suffice it to say I grew up with a step-father and not a father. I think the ideal is to have two parents. If that isn’t possible or going to happen, male and female role models are essential. I think the question is: is the natural mother / father a good role model? That’s when it gets very tricky!
The Hippy Christian Mum
August 17, 2017 at 4:01 pm
I find it odd when people suggest having both is imperative when most of the time it’s not down to choice anyway. My mum and dad separated when I was 3, and he died when I was a teen. No-one acted as a ‘father figure’ in his place & I had no choice but to live my life without a father, ‘real’ or otherwise. I don’t feel broken or any less of a rounded person because of it. For me and my family I’m immensely glad my kids have their dad because he’s awesome at it! I love that line about leaving the marriage not your kids I think there’s a fair few out there who find it hard to differentiate the two.
Lewis Brown
November 29, 2017 at 2:28 pm
This is something I can totally relate to. I am 27 years old. In those years the only thing I knew was my dads name. And thatâs it. I had a grandad and an uncle I would be proud to call a dad but still itâs not the same thing.
The importance of a son and his father is important for me it made me a broken child. And itâs only now I struggle with relationships and abandonment. It has affected me in ways I wish it never but it does. I know not everyone is the same and it may not affect people in the same way. But for me itâs bad.
On the plus side of things after all those years, I have recently found out my so called dad is now in prison. So in a way it was probably for the best he wasnât around as my life could have been a lot different.