As a father you should be strong. As a husband you should be strong. As a son you should be strong. As a man you should not show vulnerability, weakness or that you may be struggling from day to day. So that’s what society portrays even today in 2019. Yes it’s better but we still have a long way to go.
Well guess what. I don’t feel strong, I don’t feel good about myself. I’m struggling on a daily basis, but I have no idea why!
When people ask how are you? Are you ok? I reply with a smile and say yes I’m fine, I’m good, but inside I’m crying and screaming at myself no I’m not good. I feel like shit.
My problems stem from a dysfunctional childhood which I have talked about many times before on my blog. One of the biggest issues it left me with is sometimes the ability to access and process situations logically. I will then consequently detach myself in mind from issues that are there at that moment which in turn will detach me from those that love me. I revert back into my own mind, losing the ability to communicate in a way that would help me. It’s almost like refusing help, but not realising I am refusing help. It’s a surreal world but a world that for a time I’m the only person in it.
Over the last couple of weeks there have been some family issues which I’m not going to talk about here because it would be wholly inappropriate, but it left me questioning myself and it also left me very distracted and over thinking everything. It has also made me bad-tempered and incredibly irritable.
Having been a sufferer of depression since my teens this is the sort of life struggle that could so easily send me down that path again, and it’s a huge struggle to shake that feeling off because I’m putting my wife in particular through unnecessary worry and concern, but it’s a battle to stay on top of things, to stay motivated and positive when I am allowing such negative thoughts to take control of my mind.
I will go to sleep thinking about all of these issues that are happening in and around me and my first waking thought will be the same exact thoughts.
As a husband, father, son and man I just cannot be strong all the time. I’m not mentally equipped to do that, because I’m also just a human being that has vulnerabilities, weaknesses and flaws. I can’t always put it right and for that I feel a guilt like you wouldn’t believe. I come from a generation that expects men of the family to put everything right. This is now commonly known today as toxic masculinity. Men are not the image still being portrayed on TV and social media. Real men which I consider myself cry, worry and get upset when your children are having issues, in a nutshell it’s called having feelings.
The effort mentally it takes me to make sure I don’t fall into depression as I have done in the past can be exhausting and yes it will leave me at times detached from those that I love the most and those that love me, but unfortunately that is my way of dealing with it. I quite honestly don’t know any other way.
Living a life that I have lived is one that is so mentally unpredictable. It is very difficult to deal with and it’s so very exhausting and it also has such a huge bearing on my moods which unfortunately at times can be a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, and sometimes can be totally out of my control.
Where am I at now? Well my mood is beginning to improve. I’m starting to reconnect with my loved ones, and I have started to process the last couple of weeks and am learning to take a step back. This is a new, and I hope the best decision I have made, stepping out of the drama and not allowing others stress to have a bearing on my mental and physical health.
I know nowadays everybody says it’s important to talk, but for me that’s never worked. I have to process the entire situation internally in my own mind. Once I have I can then move forward. The black clouds are beginning to disappear. Most importantly have the rock by my side and the glue that holds me together, my wife.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
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