It’s Such A Struggle At Times: Life

As a father you should be strong. As a husband you should be strong. As a son you should be strong. As a man you should not show vulnerability, weakness or that you may be struggling from day to day. So that’s what society portrays even today in 2019. Yes it’s better but we still have a long way to go.

Well guess what. I don’t feel strong, I don’t feel good about myself. I’m struggling on a daily basis, but I have no idea why!

When people ask how are you? Are you ok? I reply with a smile and say yes I’m fine, I’m good, but inside I’m crying and screaming at myself no I’m not good. I feel like shit.

My problems stem from a dysfunctional childhood which I have talked about many times before on my blog. One of the biggest issues it left me with is sometimes the ability to access and process situations logically. I will then consequently detach myself in mind from issues that are there at that moment which in turn will detach me from those that love me. I revert back into my own mind, losing the ability to communicate in a way that would help me. It’s almost like refusing help, but not realising I am refusing help. It’s a surreal world but a world that for a time I’m the only person in it.

Over the last couple of weeks there have been some family issues which I’m not going to talk about here because it would be wholly inappropriate, but it left me questioning myself and it also left me very distracted and over thinking everything. It has also made me bad-tempered and incredibly irritable.

Having been a sufferer of depression since my teens this is the sort of life struggle that could so easily send me down that path again, and it’s a huge struggle to shake that feeling off because I’m putting my wife in particular through unnecessary worry and concern, but it’s a battle to stay on top of things, to stay motivated and positive when I am allowing such negative thoughts to take control of my mind.

I will go to sleep thinking about all of these issues that are happening in and around me and my first waking thought will be the same exact thoughts.

As a husband, father, son and man I just cannot be strong all the time. I’m not mentally equipped to do that, because I’m also just a human being that has vulnerabilities, weaknesses and flaws. I can’t always put it right and for that I feel a guilt like you wouldn’t believe. I come from a generation that expects men of the family to put everything right. This is now commonly known today as toxic masculinity. Men are not the image still being portrayed on TV and social media. Real men which I consider myself cry, worry and get upset when your children are having issues, in a nutshell it’s called having feelings.

The effort mentally it takes me to make sure I don’t fall into depression as I have done in the past can be exhausting and yes it will leave me at times detached from those that I love the most and those that love me, but unfortunately that is my way of dealing with it. I quite honestly don’t know any other way.

Living a life that I have lived is one that is so mentally unpredictable. It is very difficult to deal with and it’s so very exhausting and it also has such a huge bearing on my moods which unfortunately at times can be a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, and sometimes can be totally out of my control.

Where am I at now? Well my mood is beginning to improve. I’m starting to reconnect with my loved ones, and I have started to process the last couple of weeks and am learning to take a step back. This is a new, and I hope the best decision I have made, stepping out of the drama and not allowing others stress to have a bearing on my mental and physical health.

I know nowadays everybody says it’s important to talk, but for me that’s never worked. I have to process the entire situation internally in my own mind. Once I have I can then move forward. The black clouds are beginning to disappear. Most importantly have the rock by my side and the glue that holds me together, my wife.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

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8 thoughts on “It’s Such A Struggle At Times: Life

  1. Well done for talking about this, Nige, this alone is going to make you feel a little bit better because as you say we’re always expected to be strong with no weaknesses. But that’s not how life works.

    Chin up mate, hope things improve further. Get out on some adventures!

  2. Whatever works … sometimes it’s good to talk, but also it can equally be good to process stuff first. To be self-reliant. Our son is like that … on occasions, we have had to probe to find out if something is the matter, as we only get little hints, but more often, he works things out for himself, and is a resilient guy. This will serve him well in life. It is hard to get the balance right, Nige … I know I always do better when I walk away when our teenage daughter is giving us gip …. too often I react first and it escalates. But I am getting better at it, and the conflicts are less. You have obviously had to rely on yourself at times in your life, and this has its advantages and disadvantages … but it sounds like you have a loving family around you, who know you well, and you are learning to trust them — and yourself.

  3. Sorry to hear this, Nige. I’ve been feeling similar myself for a while and it’s so hard – both to focus on anything constructive and to start feeling positive again. I know what you mean about needing to think things through for yourself as I do that a lot too, but I have to admit that I sometimes end up overthinking as a result. It’s so good that you’ve written this – even if it doesn’t necessarily feel like talking, I tend to think of blog posts as talking of sorts and writing them always helps me. Hope you’re feeling better soon, mate.

  4. Thanks so much for talking about this. We need more men to feel safe enough to share these difficult conversations. I know how you feel with the detachment. I struggle with anxiety and depression on and off and detachment is the first big warning flag for me that something is going awry. It’s very difficult to want to feel something other than sadness and have no access to those emotions.

    While talking does help some people, it’s not for everyone. Have you read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? They talk about the man cave and how many men prefer to withdraw and solve their problems on their own without feeling pressure to look after others in the process. Sounds similar to your own coping mechanism.

    I hope things continue to get better for you x

  5. It is good you talk and make people aware. The more we break down stigmas attached to men and women the better. I have always taught my boys it is ok to cry X #thatfridaylinky

  6. Well Nigel, goodness knows what’s going on….but look after yourself. Cleaarly you have a lot on your plate. Shout, cry, stamp your feet – real men do all this. You’re brave for talking about it. You know where I am if I can help.

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