Just When I Thought Family Couldn’t Hurt Me Anymore This Happens!

Well here is a story which would be difficult to make up. Just when I thought my original family couldn’t leave me bruised and hurt anymore than they already have, they just have again, and it’s left me thinking that you can’t pick your family, but you sure as hell can pick your friends.

I have a biological brother that went to the other side of the world well over 40 years ago and it’s about 30 years or more since we have seen each other. We have had very sporadic contact over the years, and the last time any contact was made was via email some five years ago. Unfortunately for whatever reason we stopped communicating and that was that. I resigned myself to see my life out without any further contact. He left the family home when I was eight years old and honestly I have few memories of him. Before that I spent four years in Australia in my late teens/early twenties, and we lived quite close to each other so had formed a reasonable relationship, but looking back it wasn’t that close I now realise.

Saturday just gone my two eldest daughters phoned me to tell me that my brother was back in my home town. I would have to say that I was a little bit shocked to say the least, mainly because I was always under the impression that he would never return to his hometown. Now this is where this episode of life becomes totally bizarre and quite frankly difficult to believe. I’m struggling still to get my head around it.

My daughters told me that their mother, my ex-wife, was in the pub the night before, and was looking at this man and she thought to herself that she recognised him, but she just wasn’t sure from where. To cut a long story short it turned out to be my brother. She approached him and it was confirmed it was my biological brother, and they had very little conversation other than she was told not to say anything to any of his family about him being back here on holiday.

Now this is where this does become totally bizarre, and I’m struggling to process it. The pub that he was in happens to be the one I live next door to. I can actually see the beer garden from my back door. My ex-wife even told him that was where I lived. The conversation between my ex-wife and brother ended quicker than it started, and needless to say he didn’t knock on my door.

Apparently he is actually staying with somebody not a mile from where I live, and to this point nothing. No contact, absolutely zero communication!

How has all of this made feel?

Initially, I was very whatever. I couldn’t care less, but as the last few days have passed I have thought about it a little bit, and it actually hurts me. It saddens me that people can be so dismissive of their family. This is my biological brother, my sibling. Yes we haven’t been close, but we are brothers. I don’t ever remember falling out, upsetting him or being nasty to him, so why? What did I do to you that could make you not want to even say hello? It is seriously beyond my comprehension. I’m truly at a loss for words that you could not knock my door.

This was an opportunity that will never happen again. To see each other and say hello, and he simply didn’t take it. Sadly that only leads me to believe that he is not a nice person. My goodness, you were 20 yards away from my front door. I’m truly staggered, and still in a bit of shock. What kind of person does that him?

Life will go on and my life won’t be any less complete without what could have been a wonderful moment, but the chance has gone now. I will always wonder that once he knew where I lived and how close he was, was there not a little temptation to say hello, or was I simply dismissed as an irritation to his night out? That’s something I will never know. Is his head that screwed up that he truly believes that his brother is dead or doesn’t exist? I ask the question again. What kind of person does that? I know I couldn’t, but I guess that makes me normal.

All those years ago when my parents messed up three children’s lives with their selfish behaviour and the consequence divorce that followed. My brother neglected to remember that we as siblings didn’t get divorced. He made that decision. To divorce his brother and sister, why would you do that?

My thoughts finally are one of incredible disbelief and shock, sadness and yes I feel hurt, but that won’t change anything. If I’m entirely honest I don’t want those type of negative people in my life. I have made my life. It’s full of happiness and joy, and I pride myself on having wonderful filling relationships with the people that matter in my life.

I finally have closure on a relationship that I thought one day may have been repaired, but now know it’s done! I can remove it from my mind, and not worry about what might have been. Because it never will be.

So there is a tale that is not a story, but actually happened. Real life sometimes just sucks! I truly didn’t think anybody from my original family could hurt me again, but they just managed too. Thankfully I’m strong and determined that nobody will ever spoil or harm my happiness.

For all of that I have seven people in my life that I love more than life itself. My five children, my wife and my mother. I don’t need those sorts of people poisoning my life. Family or not.

Finally I can say good riddance, and I don’t wish you anything in life. You are dead to me. The door is firmly closed and it will never open while I draw breath.  You are truly a pathetic excuse of a human being, with no love or compassion inside of you. In fact you remind me completely of the one person you claim to hate. You have finally turned into your mother.

I know you will never read this, but somebody that knows you might, and hopefully they will know the truth of the type of person you are.

Damm right it hurts! This is rejection on a whole new level. Biologically we will always be connected I can’t alter that, but on no other level will I ever have to be connected to this person.

I would love to know what you think.

34 thoughts on “Just When I Thought Family Couldn’t Hurt Me Anymore This Happens!

  1. I feel for you big time! I wish I had an answer as to why people do this, but I don’t.

    I know as a dad, watching my oldest daughter pull away from her brother and sister, trying to figure out why has been crazy for me. Watching it happen right before my eyes and I still have no answers.

    I do agree with you in that you have the choice on what impact they have on you. Family shouldn’t hurt, bonds should be strong but sometimes it isn’t the case. I guess what I’m trying to say is you aren’t alone when it comes to this.

  2. So sorry to hear about this mate. It’s always sad to hear of families who are no longer in contact with each other and it’s hard to understand why he didn’t make the effort to catch up with you.

  3. Gosh … so sad. The hurt is so palpable … you sound wounded, like the little boy you were when all that negative stuff happened in your family of birth. I think it has caught you by surprise, thinking you were the big, mature adult, no longer affected by this stuff … but family can get under our skin at any stage. It takes time to get over these things. #TriumphantTales

    1. Strangely that’s how I felt just needed to write it down my way of processing it thank you for commenting

  4. Your pain comes through clear in the post. Take solace in the fact it’s nothing you have done. Families are complicated bodies.
    I’m watching the same thing happen with my wife’s brother and sister. Live just a few miles apart but will not speak to each other with my wife being stuck in the middle.

  5. Sadly this is very common, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful for you or sad to read. I’m sorry that your brother missed the opportunity to meet you and your lovely family 🙂

  6. Know what, I’m going to come at this from an entirely different angle. I put myself in your brother’s situation when I was younger. What happened to me happened in my very confused teenaged years and early 20s . I shut my older (half) sister out of my life for many years.

    There were reasons, very justified reasons, but essentially I was confused (long and not entirely starightforward family history, not least the fact we grew up in different countries). She phoned up, I put the phone down on her. She called my mother in floods of tears more than once wanting to speak to me, but I refused.

    After about eight years, things thawed. I got in touch, we made up. She lives in the USA now and we see each other maybe once a year but that relationship is there. Sure, we’ll never have the relationship I have with the two brothers I grew up with but my daughters love their crazy aunt (and she is totally hatstand, by the way) , my wife loves her sister in law and even though my sister can drive me insane and it’s difficult to get a word in edgeways when she starts talking, I love her too.

    What your brother has done is undeniably odd but I suspect he simply feels very, very awkward at getting in touch again. Us men, especially if we come from touch backgrounds, aren’t raised to handle awkward emotional situations. Your situation is very different to mine, I wouldn’t want to draw too many comparisons.

    The relationship may very well be dead. How would I know? I can only tell you that I was the one that shut the door on a sibling relationship. I was also the one that opened it again. I’m sorry for what’s happened and the hurt you’ve felt, but there may be hope for the future. He may even be hoping that you make the first move and get in touch while he’s in Wales.

    Okay, I’m going to stop there because I’ll probably write something that causes offence!

  7. Sorry to read the pain you are clearly feeling Nigel and you are spot on in terms of not being able to choose their family. Its a tricky one as does he know how much you want to revive a seemingly lost relationship? There’s always two sides to a story and maybe he’s been told or ‘fed’ things which don’t portray you or your mum in a great light, maybe as John’s pointed out he’s embarrassed, feels awkward, wants you to make the first move. Maybe you are completely spot on and he doesn’t want anything to do with you, the truth is that unless you directly ask some of these questions to him, in an honest and non judgemental conversation, the truth is you’ll never know the answer and therefore can only fear the worst.

    My advice would be to reach out to him if possible and ask, it sounds like you’d like to have some kind of relationship with him so give him (and you) that chance, what’s to lose? You’ve already been hurt and have a great family around to support if your fears are confirmed.

    Not all is dead, it takes a bigger person to make that first move and I think you are definitely that person.

    Good luck whatever you choose

    Jim

  8. sorry you’re going through this buddy. It really is hard sometimes to understand how people think or why they do the things they do. I don’t get it, seems like it would have just been so easy to make a little effort, even if it meant meeting in the pub where there would have been more people around and maybe less awkward #dreamteam

  9. Families can be so hard at times. I can draw on my own experience for that. I’m sorry this episode has really got to you and I hope putting pen to paper (so to speak) has made you feel better about the situation. #TriumphantTales

  10. Oh Nige, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Of course you are going to feel hurt, gutted even, that someone could be so close, but yet still so far away. It’s shocking that people can do this to each other. I hope getting it out has helped to take the edge off any disappointment or anger that you are feeling. His loss – as I’m sure your misses is telling you. Keep that chin up. #DreamTeam

  11. So sorry to hear this. I know of a cousin who did the exact same thing to his family. It’s hard to understand why your brother didn’t make the effort to connect with you. Could it be because he’s harbouring something that you inadvertently did to him that he can’t get past?

    As Jim Flowers pointed out, it takes a bigger person to make that first move and I think you are definitely that person.

    #ThatFridayLinky

  12. Like you say Nige, you can choose your friends but not your family. There are a lot of positive comments here though and being someone who always thinks the best of people I would hope there might be a glimmer somewhere in your relationship with him. While it seems difficult to fathom at the moment and who knows what goes on in people’s heads, he may have had his reasons for not getting in touch.

    You should at least try to make the first move. But I do really feel for you mate. #ThatFridayLinky

  13. This sounds very raw and I can see how hurt you feel. I wonder if doors are ever really closed when it comes to siblings. There may be reasons you have never considered for his odd behaviour or simply a firm belief you may reject him and something he couldn’t bare. After all if he really wanted to avoid you he would never have visited the area you live. Until you and your brother communicate with each other openly, this may continue to haunt you x

  14. I have an half brother that lives in Ireland and we don’t talk. He came to our hometown a few years ago and never even bothered to come and say hello. At least we both know where we stand #ThatFridayLinky

  15. I’m really sorry that your brother has hurt you in such a way. Family can be funny. There are parts of my family that I don’t talk to, nor ever wish to again. But they know the reasons why and I think it’s important to at least have that conversation before closing the door, so to speak. It’s sad that you never got that chance. I’ve had ‘friends’ that have behaved this way towards me too. Left me wondering what on earth I did wrong, but like you say. Why waste your time on those kinds of people. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life when they have so much more to be positive and grateful for. #ThatFridayLinky

  16. You sound incredibly hurt, and I can understand why. If it wasn’t for his request to your ex-wife not to mention he was there then there could have been some faint hope there was some confusion over the relationship status of you all. Sadly it was clear he wanted to keep it secret.

    My sisterm husband and children moved to Australie 10 years ago. They’ve visited a few times and we did keep in touch, mainly through Facebook. Recently we’ve not done that. I’ve not been the best at sending birthday and Christmas cards and gifts over the years they’ve been gone and think this may have caused some issues from their point of view and I can’t blame them. But on reading this I am going to write to her today! I can’t imagine this developing to the point you have sadly now reached.

    I am an eternal optimist though and hope that there comes a catalyst that somehow reconciles you both in the future.

  17. So sorry that this is part of your story, but glad that you are not allowing yourself to get stuck in it. Forgiveness is really the only way forward when our families let us down.

  18. I’m so sorry that you have gone through this. A family member ignoring you and not knowing why is so hard to get your head around. It’s hurtful, crushing and breaks your heart. We’ve had a few fallings out in the family, siblings not talking to each other, blazing rows, deafening silences. Half the time it’s people not knowing how to reach out and open a conversation in fear of causing an argument or it being awkward being unsure how to handle that. I’m like a previous poster who said they like to have that discussion before closing the door. I’ve seen how silence can send out mixed messages, it consumes me until I at least broached the subject. But I’m learning that not all families respond this way.

    I do agree though, why waste your breath on this person who has no interest even though he had the opportunity to reach out and connect again. It completely baffles me. Don’t let it eat you up, move on, enjoy, love and cherish those who are closest to you #thatfridaylinky

  19. I truly feel for you and can hear the hurt in your post. You & and your family are beautiful people and if he cant see that it’s his loss. #thatfridaylinky

  20. Such a sad tale to read, I cannot begin to imagine the hurt it must have caused you. I would be completely heartbroken if it were my sister. I’m not sure I would use the term dead to me, it’s a strong phase to use but I’m sure you have your reasons for using it. #TriumphantTales

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  22. I’d love to know what happens next! Families are funny things aren’t they – like they say you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family #DreamTeam

  23. So sorry to read this. What doesn’t kill us and all that BS. I grew up n0t being anyone’s priority and vowed to never let my children feel like that. You’re a great dad and ensure you take that pain and pass it on in love to yours.

  24. This sounds so tough and I’m sorry to read that you’ve had to feel so much hurt and anguish. I do wonder why you call your parents divorce selfish though – should they have stayed together and lived long unhappy lives for the sake of the children? My parents stayed together for about a decade longer than they should have and I have many horrible memories from it. It also gave me a very dark view of men. For what it’s worth, I think you are right to cut your brother off for this. I’d probably give it one last shot though – be the one to reach out and then give up if nothing changes. x

    #ThatFridayLinky

  25. I can’t believe his shocking behaviour! Family means everything to me but I know some people just don’t care. My ex has had no contact with his children in almost 4 years and his parents send a card for birthdays and Christmas but have made no effort to see them. Just unbelievably sad. Good luck moving on, you are worth 10 of him. #thatfridaylinky

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