Reflecting On My Father’s Passing a Year On 

All my life I have had an emotional curtain around me to protect me from hurt and emotions.

The last year has enlightened me as to why I was hurt by my biological fathers general behaviour to me as if I didn’t exist. That I was invisible. 

It’s approximately a year since my father passed away, although I have to say that we were estranged for 15 years before he died and we didn’t lay eyes on each other in all that time. We had a very dysfunctional relationship and very little contact over my life. 

Recently my wife found out that her grandfather was close to passing away and sadly he has since passed away.

This made me think of the lost opportunities, that maybe things could have been so different if only I had spoken to my father. Regrets without question. 

It also got me to thinking that over the last year I have thought many times about my father more times in the last year than I probably have for most of my life. Some were complimentary thoughts, although mostly the thoughts were not great memories. 

If you have read my post, do I see my father before he dies, you would know that I spent a few hours with him before he passed, but I was unable to communicate with him because he was heavily medicated, and as it happens he passed away just five hours later.

Looking back it gave me some sort of closure and I was able to say goodbye to my biological father, but it left so many unanswered questions, and over the last year I have on a regular basis asked myself  these questions about his decisions to leave me out of his life because I could never imagine my life without my children. 

I used to think, I don’t care, the problem was his not mine. The truth is though it screws with your mind not being wanted by your father. It is a very difficult thing to live with that although my parents couldn’t live together why was I left behind by a man who happened to be my father as if I didn’t exist and I still have trouble coping with it today. 

When I was in school I always felt the odd one out with no father at home, just my mum. I used to dread if any friends came back to the house and I would lie about where my father was just to feel normal. 

How could he not be interested in his grandchildren? After all they are his biological descendants. They are in partly in the world because of him having me. Why would anybody just not want to be part of his children’s and grandchildrens life? This for me is impossible to comprehend.

Do I regret not making contact long before I did? This nags away on a regular basis. Of course I will never know if we could have had a relationship. It may never of happened, but I never became the bigger person and I should have tried. Unfortunately that’s all too late now. 

My first marriage ended in divorce, but I never stopped loving my children and throughout their childhood I was always a big part of their lives. I missed some moments that I can never get back , but mostly I got all of the wonderful times being a parent has to offer.

For myself I remember uncles becoming substitute dads. 

When I was about 10 years old I cut my leg open on barbed wire and it required cleaning because there was lots of rust in the wound, before having it sewn back, requiring 45 stitches while I was wide awake. Who was there? My uncle. My father nowhere to be seen.

Christmas Eve, one of my uncles put together my new scaletrix and in the morning I played with it on my own. Surely those are moments that your father should have been involved in?

Where was my father on sports day watching his child compete. He was never there. 

Throughout my life there was times that I wanted to say, hey dad, what do you think? Do think this a good idea? A fantastic example of this was my 21 year old daughter just the other morning rang me to tell me that BT had not connected the internet as planned in her new home. I’m not quite sure what she expected me to do, but that is what dads are for. Advice and having a moan about something. Sadly this is something that I never had. 

Would my life have been any different had I grown up in a harmonious family home? Again another question that will never be answered.

Might I have gone to university? Who knows, with the right encouragement it might have happened. Would I not have done some of the stupid things that I did in my teens and 20’s, and believe me some of them were just incredibly stupid. If my father had been there to guide me in the right direction and simply say maybe that’s not the right decision. 
These are questions that will now be left unanswered because he’s not here anymore. It just seems to be weekly thoughts to some degree for me. 

I am bitter and twisted about my childhood and I do feel let down. Why! Why was my father not part of my childhood? That’s a question that has been left in the past forever along with so many other unanswered questions. 

The emotional curtain has been brought down through meeting my wonderful wife. Although I can be protective of emotions because I feel I have been hurt enough in life. It’s hard to explain to others than the fact you tell yourself I will not be hurt. 

I have always thought and have said in some previous posts that this made me a better dad to my own children. How wrong could I be. Actually what I have realised is that it left me a screwed up son for years and to a degree I feel that now. 

My fathers legacy to me was one of feeling abandonment, unwanted, and no purpose to my life, with very low esteem and feeling very inferior to other people. 

What made me a better dad was me. That’s something I now understand. I wasn’t trying to be better than my own father. I think I already was and I wasn’t trying to correct the mistakes of my father. It’s taken a long a time to realise I’m actually the better person. I love my children with all my heart and I would do anything for them. Surely that’s all any child would wish for from their dad?

I hope that my children always realise that as a dad, I tried my best.