Special care revisited

I have never really been in hospitals that much.

That was until R&M were born. I had to deal with my wife having a cesarean and any possible complications and on top of that our girls were coming into the world early. We knew they would be whisked off to special care straight away.

The day of their birth was the most daunting, stressful and emotional day of my life and to be honest I may have looked like I was coping, but inside I was falling apart. The day and the days to follow just got harder to deal with and the fear I felt that something would go wrong was at times unbearable.

  

R&M were born six weeks early. You may wonder what has made me revisit this time in our lives and I’ll tell you why. The other day I saw my wife show the girls a picture of them when they were babies. M said “I didn’t have much hair” which was totally true! She didn’t! Then she pointed out that R had a tube in her mouth and asked why. 

I suppose what I can’t believe is that yes R was very poorly when born and on a ventilator for about a week and when I heard this it actually brought a tear to my eye because instantly I remembered what a roller coaster of emotion it all was. I realised how helpless they were and at times I felt totally useless while my little girls started out there lives in a incubator.

I must admit I had started to forget how their lives had started, but this was a stark reminder and I think a very good thing strangely because although the girls are fit and healthy now and developed exactly as they should I try to not forget how lucky we are to have the girls in our lives.

There were so many moments during our stay in special care that tested my emotions, my patience and also me as a person. To be strong for my wife and not allow the pressures of the situation drag me down was tough. Well the truth is that it all gets you down. There were times I just wanted to cry my eyes out, but no I am the man can’t do that.

This is classic men and emotions thing! We have no idea how to show it! How we’re really feeling. The thing is you just want to be at home with your family and during the time we were in special care there were many people in much worse situations, but selfishly it does make you say God I feel lucky because you can only focus on your situation and you don’t feel lucky compared to other people. Maybe that’s wrong, I really don’t know.

I have revisited special care in my head because M said why has R got tubes in her throat from a photo, but it has made me feel so very lucky and blessed that the girls are happy, healthy and a joy to be around, but I will never forget how tough those first six weeks were. R weighed just 4lb3ozs and M was 2lb11oz. Its now I realise how tiny they were and at times things were touch and go. The tests the girls had to have which seemed constant and then the living in dread waiting for results hoping everything was ok.

The girls are three years old now and such cute, funny girls. They do things that melt your heart at bedtime. They hug and kiss each other goodnight and I was watching them from the conservatory playing in the garden the other day. They were making up their own games and it was truly wonderful to watch.

Twins I believe now have a sibling relationship which is unique and just brilliant to watch, but I will never forget those tough days and if those days in special care have taught me anything it’s that I have been blessed in my life with five children.