I Just Don’t Feel The Man I Was

Since I had a stroke earlier this year so much has changed about the way I feel about myself. It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when and how I have changed, I just don’t feel the same.

With the year of ill-health I have experienced it has made me put my life in perspective, but it has also left me feeling battered and bruised from the whole experience. Life just has a habit sometimes of kicking you between the legs when you least expect it. Many aspects of my life have changed and coming to terms with those changes is so difficult to deal with, or at least for me it has been.

Staying motivated on a daily basis has been something that has become increasingly more difficult to do. I’m not sure why I feel like this but it’s at times a lack of energy and energy hopefully generates motivation. There are days I just feel knackered and exhausted all day, which is something I have never felt in my life before. I have always had a high level of energy.

One of the biggest things I have struggled with is coming to terms with the fact that I will be on medication for the rest of my life. I would have thought after all this time I would be used to it, but unfortunately I’m not. It’s a struggle everyday to take them, especially knowing that without them I could possibly have another stroke which could be considerably worse than last time. Taking medication daily has made me question my mortality.

The truth is I’m older now. I don’t have the same unlimited zest for life that I had 20 years ago. I guess I’m past my prime, somehow it’s just passed me by when I wasn’t looking. That’s actually quite frightening, how time does pass.

Since I had the stroke 6 or so months ago how I feel about myself has changed. I don’t feel as outgoing, confident with a high self esteem. My ill health this year has at times left me feeling vulnerable, tired on occasions bordering depression, although I will resist that feeling of depression because I have been there far too many times before and I refuse to allow the black clouds to circle above me again, but it’s tough because that decision is taken out of your hands.

Life can change in an instance, and just when you thought you are rolling along achieving your dreams and fulfilling your hopes. So on that basis you should grab life with both hands. Sadly it has not been that easy for me.

Since having a stroke I seem to worry consistently about everything. My children, my marriage. I don’t sleep all night anymore and I really can’t remember the last time I didn’t dream for half the night. That in itself is exhausting. I worry that I won’t get to see my six year old twin girls grow up, and this has come about from a year of serious ill health. My positive outlook has taken a hammering and it’s so very difficult to find it again. My mind is full of anxiety, worry and what happens next. Am I just a ticking time bomb, waiting for it to all end? My bubble will just burst and that will be that. My daily struggles are hard to deal with and my moods are a constant reminder of how difficult I find life at the moment.

Do you struggle with life? If you do I would love to hear.